Police in Middlesboro say an officer got a little more than he bargained for when he pulled over a car late Sunday night after seeing it swerve several times along a wooded area in Bell County and noticed balloon animals coming out of the exhaust pipe. When Officer William Reedy got to the window, he learned the driver was a clown who then proceeded to squirt the officer with windshield wiper fluid right in his face. Reedy says he then asked for everyone to get out of the car and according to Reedy, “they just kept coming out of that little Honda Civic. Probably 30-40 of them. When I pulled them over, I assumed we were dealing with drunk driving or possibly meth. But this was much, much worse.”

Sunday’s incident is just the latest in a silly string of clown sightings throughout the United States. Just like the prophecy of those Jack In The Box toys predicted, clowns have recently begun popping up everywhere, usually in wooded areas and presidential elections, turning what is a usually a pro-clown country into a nation of people that’d be happy to never see a clown again. Members of the clowning industry, who are feeling the backlash, are fed up by what they call “clown impostors.”

“Clowns were never meant to be scary,” said Bell County resident Margie Henderson, curator of Middlesboro’s 3rd largest clown museum. “Clowns are supposed to be fun-loving and wholesome, like Ronald McDonald, Bozo, or John Wayne Gacy.”

President of the Clown Union, Bobo Chucklepants, held a brief press conference early this morning in front of Lexington’s southside Shoe Carnival. “These punks getting together, putting on the makeup and going out with their insane clown posses and terrorizing people are doing permanent damage to the professional working clowns who are having to cancel all hiking trips and are now getting flooded with birthday party cancellations left and right. It’s time for these impostors to stop clowning around.”

While clown sightings are terrifying, it is important to remember that not all clowns are drunk hobos by the train tracks or cashiers at Spencer’s Gifts in the mall during the day. One professional clown, Doodles, tried to remind us, “Most of us have just made a lifetime of bad decisions that has led us to this profession we love,  and we do it to make others pretend to smile because of how uncomfortable we make them. And keep in mind, those of us who went to college for this get paid for it. I showed up at a kid’s birthday party at Jacobson’s Park last week and got tasered by the birthday boy’s drunk uncle Terry. And I was just trying to do my job.”

We reached out to the Mime Union for their take on the issue, but they had no comment.

Less than a week after news broke over the impending divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, an important story to the entire nation that’s been able to cut through the white noise of other insignificant news topics such as police shootings, terrorist attacks, election updates, bank scandals, KY Supreme Court rulings, protesters in the streets and other hodgepodge, our sources now say that the cause of the separation was Jolie’s obsession with another pit…CentrePointe Pit.

Local citizens have reported multiple sightings of the longtime, Hollywood actress and pit several times over the last few months but while there appeared to be no relationship developing, insiders close to Jolie say she’s been wearing a vial filled with CentrePointe’s dirt around her neck since June and has made plans to introduce the pit to Jon Voight early next week. “The two of them have become real close ever since she heard about the future plans for CentrePointe (see also ‘CentrePointe To Become World’s Largest Horsegrave‘),” said TMZ photographer Joey Black. “If the rumors are true, everyone fully expects her to reprise her role as the Tomb Raider, for sure.”

Jolie has also introduced her children to the new, younger pit already but the meeting was done in 60 seconds after her one girl, interrupted some of the construction workers pretending to work. A second meeting has been scheduled but many legal experts are reporting that the Pitt-Jolie children’s adoption will be voided by the divorce, meaning they’ll all have to return to the country they came from.

While some news outlets are reporting that Jolie was fed up with her husband’s drug use and alleged affairs, we’ve learned the final straw, prompting Jolie to file the divorce papers, came last week when she finally discovered Brad Pitt had been Edward Norton all along.

The food guide pyramid will soon be making a comeback in Lexington.

Everyone’s go-to weekend breakfast spot when Winchell’s is too busy, Ramsey’s on Tates Creek, was recently purchased by an Egyptian family and will be renamed Ramsey’s The Second.

“The city of Lexington already has a long history of connections to ancient Egypt, so this move isn’t all that surprising,” said local diner historian Rodney Parker. “American Pharoah, Hal Mumme, the Cats being held sacred. Having an Egyptian diner is the logical next step.”

While several Lexington restaurant-goers are applauding the purchase, there are a few loyal Ramsey’s customers who seem hesitant about the change.

“I don’t know what Egypt food tastes like,” said Teddy Sparks, “but it better taste like Hot Browns and fried green tomatoes. And if they take away 2 fer 1 drinks, I’m gonna be pretty upset. So upset that I might just set a bunch of frogs loose in the restaurant. And if they let anyone other than Missy make them pies, I’ll do something like cut their power for three days. I’m not asking for a lot, just that and of course you have to let the waitresses still wear those t-shirts with the ties. I mean how else am I supposed to know you’re doing things a little different around here?”

It’s unclear at this time if Ramsey’s The Second will be hiring new employees, but we have learned that the position of dishwasher has been filled by a down on his luck Brendan Fraser. We’ve also learned that Ramsey’s The Second will become the official food provider of Sphinx Academy on Winchester Road.

It’s still early in the semester at the University of Kentucky, but one student in particular doesn’t seem to perceive the significance of a poor effort on a recent Physics exam. Freshman Jason Greenbeer, a Physics major, was entirely nonchalant about the 57 he received on his latest Physics 101 test, making it very clear that Greenbeer doesn’t quite understand the gravity of the situation. It’s also clear that he doesn’t understand the mass, inertia, velocity, acceleration, amplitude, thermodynamics, plasticity, or surface tension of the situation either.

“I don’t think it’s that big of a deal,” said Greenbeer. “It’s still pretty early in the semester, so there’s lots of time for me to get my grades back up, or for my mom to call the university and file a complaint against my professor. I won’t be worried until my grade drops down to an absolute zero. I feel like I’ve got a lot of momentum heading into the rest of the semester. Momentum is just force multiplied by time, and as time passes I’ll force myself to get better grades. If I know anything about momentum (editors note: he doesn’t),  the more you rest, the more of it you have, so as long as I take things slow I can turn this thing around whenever I’m ready.”

Jason’s parents want their son to succeed, so they’ve enlisted the help of a former Physics major they currently employ as their landscaper, Mo deGrasse-Tyson, twin brother of famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.

We reached out to Mo deGrasse Tyson for his thoughts on Jason’s situation.

“Man, c’mon Neil, help a brother out. I’m out here starving and you got your own TV show. I only work in landscaping as a metaphor to help folks understand that there is an enormous landscape of possible universes, and that in this one my brother is a real dirtbag.”

Despite his parents’ efforts, Jason Greenbeer still seems unconcerned about his circumstances.

“Right now the only Newton I’m concerned about is Cam Newton,” said Greenbeer in an interview that we were only able to conduct via a game of Madden 17 he was playing on his Twitch stream. “That dude is destroying me in this game. He totally defies the laws of physics.”

In a rivalry that dates back to the very first WeatherMania, Bill Meck and TG Shuck may find themselves battling one more time this weekend. Meck issued the challenge after finding out the meteorologist he sent into exile by defeating him in a previous Loser Leaves Town/Hell In A Supercell Match had resurfaced in Louisville.

Bill Meck feels very good about his chances. He recently defeated the tag team duo known as the Doppler Gangers, comprised of Chris Bailey and Micah ‘Double H’ Harris, and he made easy work of 36’s Jason ‘The Heartbreak Kid’ Myers in a No Holds Bar(ometric pressure)ed Match. Meck draped his two title belts over each shoulder and cut a promo in front of his favorite green screen. “They say it’s not the heat, its the humidity…well you’d better bring a dehumidifier,” a very confident Meck shouted into a microphone held by his manager Lee ‘The Mouth of The South’ Cruse. “Here’s a prediction Shuck, the national weather service will issue a flood warning, for your boots.” He then began making a screeching noise and said “this is a test of the emergency broadcast system.”

Shuck’s video response, filmed in front of the green screen in Louisville that he has to sette for now, stars him yelling threats into a microphone held by his manager Terry ‘Coal’ Meiners. Shuck is seen making many bold predictions including, “Meck is going to be a bit foggy after I rain bows down upon him.” Shuck said his plans for winning included performing his finishing move, the No Shucks Given, and then climbing to the top of the ladder to retrieve the belt. “He calls himself Hurricane Bill, but he’s gonna be downgraded to Tropical Storm Bill by the time I’m done with him,” Shuck shouted. “I’m gonna knock the prevailing wind out of him.” Shuck concluded his tirade by saying “there’s an 80% chance of victory with highs of about 8 feet in the air, or however tall that ladder is.”

The match appears to be set for Saturday night and the undercard is expected to include Stone Cold Steve Butera and Rowdy Robby Bromley.

Early 90’s rapper, Sir Mix-A-Lot, proudly announced to his followers this week that he was back in the “big ass” business. While rumors swirled that the “Baby Got Back” hit maker was possibly making a comeback in the music industry, Sir Mix-A-Lot was down at Lexington’s very own Big Ass Fans headquarters filling out new hire paperwork after nailing his job interview and assuring company personnel, “I’m a big ass fan.”

“We interviewed quite a few candidates,” said Big Ass Fans HR rep Becky, “but at the end of the day, Mr. A-Lot had everything we were looking for. We wanted someone long term and he assured us he wasn’t like some punks that like to ‘hit it n’ quit it’ but that he was ‘long and strong and down to get the friction on’ and that just really spoke to us. He also mentioned multiple times throughout the interview process that he liked ’em round and big’ so, he’s in that right place for that I’d say,” giggled Becky. “Wait til he sees our 14 foot shop ceiling fan goin’ like a turbo ‘Vette.”

Representatives from the booming fan company told our reporters they still haven’t decided on a specific role for the Seattle-based rapper but noted he’s got potential to fill a lot of holes. “I feel like he’d be perfect working in our creative marketing department given his passion for photography,” noted marketing executive Flo Jones. “Not only did he open the interview by telling me, ‘I wanna get wit-cha, and take your picture’, he also seems to have his finger on the pulse of the industry, telling us about all the magazines and publications out there saying flat fans are the thing.”

Big Ass Fans CEO Carey Smith gave the green light on the hire but told his HR team that Sir Mix-A-Lot was not to work in the sales department. “We strive to operate with the highest code of conduct and so, I can’t be worried every time a potential client comes in with an itty-bitty waist and big ass fan in his face that he’s gonna get sprung.”

Sir Mix-A-Lot plans to start work next Monday and told reporters, “I’m excited to be working with big ass fans again. It’s what I do best. Ol’ girl Becky already invited me to some big ass weiner roast so, I still got it baby.” Becky confirmed the upcoming company cookout and said she was thrilled that Mix-A-Lot was already being a team player after telling her “I’ll be bringing those buns, hun” for the event.