You’ll find it all at Glenn Automall, even plot-ruining details about the most watched show on cable television. That’s why the folks with the 4th most popular car dealership radio jingle in Lexington have decided to avoid selling cars with spoilers altogether until everyone can catch up on The Walking Dead.

“We’ve decided to remove all of Glenn’s spoilers for the time being, because we don’t want to ruin The Walking Dead for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet,” said Meegan, a member of the Glenn sales team. “It would kill Glenn Automall to know that we ruined such big moment with our Glenn spoilers.”

While the move to avoid spoilers is appreciated by some, a debate rages on about how long Glenn Automall should wait before adding the spoilers back.

“In my opinion, it would have been acceptable if they added the spoilers back on Tuesday,” said local car buyer and Walking Dead-head Lucille Wood. “Obviously they aren’t open on Sunday night, so having cars with spoilers then would just be cruel. And I understand keeping the spoilers off Monday too, because that gives people time to watch the episode if they weren’t able to see it live. But if you haven’t seen the episode by Tuesday, you’re out of luck if you see a spoiler. Sorry, pal, but you deserve to see cars with spoilers all over the Glenn Automall website. The water cooler on Wednesday just isn’t the same if I can’t talk about those amazingly aerodynamic Glenn spoilers.”

In an unrelated story, we’ve also learned that Glenn Automall was forced to let long time salesman Abraham go this week after he failed to meet his monthly sales quota. Abraham, a customer favorite at the dealership since joining the sales staff about three years ago, was known for his quick wit and sometimes vulgar language during his sales pitches. While the loss of Abraham is certainly sad, we’re pretty sure he will be the only salesperson let go this month. There’s no way they could possibly get rid of any other customer favorites, no one would see that coming.

Major software upgrades are an often dreaded but ultimately vital requirement for any piece of computer equipment, and the brass at LEX 18 are finding that out the hard way, as they struggle to adjust after upgrading Tom Ackerman’s operating system to the new and improved iOS10.

“It’s definitely going to take some getting used to,” said Dia Davidson, “but we’ll eventually get the hang of it. We actually weren’t even planning on upgrading him until they worked all the kinks out, but it just downloaded automatically over the weekend after an off the clock Steve Butera left Tom on the charger overnight.”

The last time Ackerman’s software was upgraded automatically, the meteorologist lost all of his contacts, forcing him to wear glasses for an entire week.

“I think the updates just slow him down,” said a skeptical Kevin Christopher. “No matter how many times we update Tom, the guy still can’t make a phone call to save his life. And for some reason he continues to carry around that dumb U2 album from a couple of years ago.”

Several LEX 18 employees share Kevin Christopher’s belief that the upgrade only makes Ackerman slower.

“I think they just made us download the new software so we’ll eventually have to buy an Ackerman 7,” said Conroy Delouche. “There was nothing wrong with the Ackerman 5S we’ve been using, but after all these ‘upgrades’ he’s just been so slow. He just now got around to reporting on Hurricane Matthew yesterday.”

Other LEX 18 staffers hope the update does force their bosses to make the switch to an Ackerman 7.

“This Ackerman doesn’t even have Touch ID,” complained Nancy Cox, “but that hasn’t stopped Lee Cruse from constantly putting his thumb in Tom’s ear.”

The news team has had trouble acclimating to Ackerman’s new programs all week.

“I’ve been kicked out of two meetings this week because Tom kept ringing when I thought I had him set to vibrate,” said Chris Goodman. “It’s extremely embarrassing.”

Ackerman’s superior at LEX 18, Bill Meck, protested the upgrade for entirely different reasons.

“I don’t trust all this new technology, man,” Meck told us. “It’s crazy, dude. Artificial Intelligence is becoming too powerful. Sure, right now Ackerman’s software only allows him to predict the weather and fake a smile when the Lexington Humane Society brings those puppies in, but I’m worried that one day he’s gonna become sentient, and that’s the day when no Chief Meteorologist is safe.”

The latest upgrade has left many longing for the days of former Ackerman technology.

“I still say the best Ackerman we ever had was the Ackerman Razr,” Alan Cutler told us between Hot Yoga poses. “It was so versatile. Tom didn’t have to have some expensive suit tailored by Otter Box like he does now, and when we were done with him we just folded him in half.”

We’ve reached October here in the Bluegrass, and once Bill Meck commands it, the weather will begin to turn cold, which means the cranes at CentrePointe will soon begin their seasonal migration to the southernmost part of the stalled development project.

“It’s really a beautiful thing to watch,” said real estate mogul and real-life Austin Powers villain Dudley Webb, head of the CentrePointe project. “It’s amazing how the cranes just know to do this on their own every year, and it’s totally not just taking place because we’re legally mandated to move dirt around and pretend like we’re actually working every couple of months.”

While Mother Nature can often be wondrous and breathtaking, some experts worry that the timeline of the crane migration is too early and a result of man-made climate change.

“I’ve been around for all eight generations of cranes that migrate to the south of the lot,” said  CentrePointe landscaper Mo deGrasse Tyson, “and it keeps happening earlier and earlier each year. It’s definitely something the next former vice mayor needs to address when he or she takes office.”

This year’s migration will be filmed as part of the Discovery Channel’s new documentary series Plan It (But Never Build It) Earth. It was originally set to air on HGTV, but they only deal in projects that have a realistic chance of reaching completion.

In order to complete the migration south, construction workers had to clear some debris in the middle of CentrePointe, which they accomplished by charging Ricky’s Samsung Galaxy Note 7.

While national media and tabloids were devoting much of their time covering the armed robbery of Kim Kardashian West in Paris, France over the weekend, a heist of another kind took place in Paris, KY on Saturday. Except this heist wasn’t a crime at all, it was actually just another Dan Cummins deal, and like the details of the Kardashian robbery, it also seems too good to be true.

“Sure we can’t actually arrest anybody because no crime was committed,” said a spokesman for the Bourbon County Sheriff’s Department, “but prices this low are downright criminal.”

Despite us not asking, the spokesman for the Sheriff’s office told us one more time exactly how he felt.

“Giving people deals this good ought to be illegal.”

Many Bourbon County residents are calling the latest Dan Cummins deal an inside job or publicity stunt, but Cummins himself swears he can’t keep his business open if he continues to sell cars at prices so low.

“Honestly, I wish it was an actual armed robbery, because at least then I’d be able to claim it as a loss on my insurance,” Cummins said.

We tried to find the person who purchased the car, but we couldn’t track them down since they bought a Buick and no one knows what those look like anymore.

In an unexpected turn of events, The Red Mile racetrack reported that over the opening Grand Circuit weekend, everyone had their shirts on for the entire live racing meet.  Just over a year ago The Red Mile unveiled their new renovations and were excited to experience the start of their live racing finale the Grand Circuit with all of their new features, most importantly the installation of a record audience of zero shirtless patrons.

We spoke to Terry Washburn the public relations director over at The Red Mile, about the record setting weekend, “Understandably, many folks may be saying ‘Hey aren’t shirtless people a good thing?’ Sure that may be true at a gentlemen’s club or some sort of Camelot re-enactment type establishment, but this is the Grand Circuit of harness racing. It’s a pretty big deal for those of us that are super into watching fat guys ride in some sort of buggy behind a horse that is only allowed to run at a slower speed than normal of which we call a trot.  It’s like Olympic speed walking  for horses, that is if Olympic speed walking requires you to to walk somewhat briskly while pulling a man with a moustache in a cart behind you.”

Many would agree that the last thing anyone wants is to see those guys with their shirts off, the overweight “athletes” should be wearing the appropriate attire for such a prestigious affair. However, Washburn explained that it wasn’t the pseudo-jockeys that have been the shirtless issue, historically speaking, “No, no not the old guys on the track, but the old guys around the betting windows, that’s who we were worried about keeping their shirts on. Many of them love to take their shirts off, either in anger from a result from a ‘race’, or it just gets ‘too hot’, or many just show up with no shirt at all. Before the renovations these folks were what we called “regulars” but now they’re not here as often so it’s been almost like being at Keeneland over here.”
Washburn explained that “Some of them show up with no shirt on, and some show up with no shirt and leave with a shirt, we still haven’t figured out how that happens.”  Adding, “Even Matthew McConauhey stopped by on Friday with our shipment of Wild Turkey, and even he had a shirt on, I mean sometimes every star aligns ya know?” He is hopeful that this behavior will continue, “Fingers crossed, next week we can have the same success rate with shoes.”