Former vice mayor Jim Gray unveiled his plan to stimulate the economy and boost morale earlier this week, and that plan includes providing access to broadband — specifically his favorite broadband, The Bangles — to rural Eastern Kentucky.

The former vice mayor, who is currently challenging Rand Paul for his U.S. senate seat, believes he is the best candidate for creating a hip party atmosphere, and he believes that the best way to do that is by bringing as many all-female rock and roll bands to rural Eastern Kentucky as possible.

“I know about creating a hip party atmosphere,” said the former vice mayor. “I grew up in a family that partied, where over time we created literally thousands of hip party atmospheres.”

Gray says The Bangles are just the beginning. He also plans to bring other high-speed broadbands to the area, including Heart, The Go-Go’s, and Sleater-Kinney. Unfortunately, some areas of Eastern Kentucky are so remote that they won’t be able to access the high-speed broadbands, so they will instead be given a slower broadband connection, like Wilson Phillips.

The broadbands will be given unlimited access to to North Lime donuts and Crank And Boom ice cream in an attempt to increase their bandwidth.

The idea was suggested to the former vice mayor by Melissa Etheridge, who also gave him his favorite braided belt.

“I’ll vote for him on one condition,” said Ashland resident Dusty Stanley. “When he brings these broadbands to this part of the state, he needs to take the Judds back with him.

House Speaker Greg Stumbo dazzled dinner guests last night with a fairly impressive dessert he prepared after going down a Google rabbit hole earlier that morning. After raising the possibility of impeaching Gov. Bevin over the weekend, Stumbo went right to work googling “how to impeach someone”, but got sidetracked after a delicious peach cobbler recipe popped up that he just had to try. Stumbo, a known master baker, revealed however, once Bevin caught wind of his plans to serve the cobbler, started leaving him threatening voicemails telling Stumbo to make apple cobbler if he wanted to do what was best for his seat, his district and his dinner party.

“I accidentally Stumbo’d upon the killer recipe after typing ‘peach’ instead of ‘impeach’ I guess,” explained Stumbo, D-Prestonburg. “Once I saw it, I knew my day was done. While I don’t know how this impeachment process really works, I do know how to make a mean cobbler, but the last thing I need is our governor bullying me into which cobbler I should or shouldn’t make for my own party.”

Stumbo went on to play pieces of the voicemail for local reporters where Bevin was clearly trying to get Stumbo to cross dinner party lines. The governor went into great detail about how well his apple cobbler’s go over at their dinner parties and left all the details of the recipe on the message, infuriating the House Speaker and members of the KY Democratic Party.

“Telling me how to do my job, threatening me and trying to strong-arm me into making an apple cobbler is clearly an impeachable offense,” ranted Stumbo. “As House Speaker and expert foodie, I bake what I feel is best for the citizens of this great commonwealth. And I’m not a guy who believes in half measures, ” added Stumbo, “which is why I followed that cobbler recipe exactly as it was written.”

When reached for comment, House Subwoofer Jim DeCesare said he felt all the claims were bassless.

The mediocre pizza buffet populace has spoken, and they’ve decided that legendary UK basketball coach Joe B. Hall will be the next mayor of GattiTown.

While exit polls at the Nicholasville Road location of GattiTown mostly showed that diners regretted their decision to eat at GattiTown, they were also a strong indicator that Coach Hall would win the election easily over his opponent, Dan Glass of Courtesy On Wheels. Glass, who ran as a member of the Sweeet! Tea Party, built his platform around removing all Pepsi products and continually reminding everyone of his campaign’s slogan “Make Dessert Pizza Sweeet! Again.”

As mayor of GattiTown, Joe B. Hall will get to enjoy several perks and privileges. Free pizza for life seems like it would be the biggest bonus, but the best benefit of being mayor is the unlimited access to Air Hockey One, the plane that escorts the Commander In Cheese of GattiTown around the skies of Lexington.

Coach Hall plans to get to work as soon as possible. He hopes to fast-track development on Centre Ball Pit, which has become a bit of an eyesore in downtown GattiTown. Hall also wants to finalize a budget fairly quickly, but it all depends on how many coins are close to falling off the edge on that one game machine.

“I want to be a mayor who can reach across the aisle,” said Coach Hall, “and grab those unfinished breadsticks from that empty table.”

Most experts feel confident that the election results are accurate, but there is a vocal minority who think that voter fraud may have taken place.

“They weren’t even asking to see people’s GattiTown Game Card at the polls,” complained Reginald Rowland, president of the GattiTown NRA and extremely vocal Dan Glass supporter. “Also, I don’t think they even counted the votes, they just weighed them on that machine in the gift shop.”