Dustin Wilcox became a father in April, which has forced him to put down his drone remote and pick up a hammer, some slip-joint pliers, and maybe a stationary band saw. However, he’s just not quite sure what those things are even for yet.

Yesterday afternoon Wilcox received his first ever Father’s day gift, a Chevy Chase Hardware gift card. With a tear in his eye, Wilcox explained how much he’s looking forward to heading into the store for the first time this weekend.

While Wilcox is still emotional about his new role, he admits he feels overwhelmed by his new responsibilities, “I guess I’ve got all week to youtube how to fix stuff, maybe there’s a video that tells me what kind of tools I’ll need for everything?”

Although, he’s confident that as time goes on, he’ll only get better at this whole “Dad thing.” In fact, he claims he has hit the ground running in terms of fatherhood, “It didn’t take long for me to get accustomed to my new role as a father, just a few days after my wife gave birth to our beautiful son Trystan I noticed I was already getting angry at the weathermen. Then dag gone it, a few days later, I got mad at my dag gone phone for not doing what I wanted it to.”

Chevy Chase Hardware Store owner Gary Owens explained that he’s always happy to assist new fathers as they transition into the role of Mr. Fixit, “Look even if he doesn’t have a project in mind, we can set that kid up with some stuff that will make him sound real busy in the garage, doing something that’s sounds really boring to the rest of the family.”

You’d recognize the voice anywhere, it’s one that sounds smoother than Pappy Van Winkle on the back of your tongue. In fact, if molasses on cornbread made a sound, that sound would be his voice. That’s right we’re talking about legendary sports man Rob Bromley, and today this voice of a generation sounded strained, garbled, like someone had poured salt water all over your box of perfectly good taffy.

Earlier today, Bromley called into the station just as WKYT This Morning was beginning, knowing all too well that’d he’d probably get management’s voicemail. “I’m not sure I can,” he began, before pausing for what could only have been dramatic effect, “can make it in today.”

Bill Bryant, named Lexington’s #1 news anchor by BillBryant.com, was the first to be suspicious of Bromley’s voicemail. “I know he was up late last night, he texted me around 11 saying he wanted to finish watching ‘his Preds’ and had started another pot of coffee.”

During the first commercial break, Bryant asked management to play the lengthy voicemail for the rest of the staff.

“Look, I don’t want to get into details about my illness, but I’m not sure if I’m contagious, and I don’t want the whole team getting whatever I got, and believe you me they don’t want it. I mean I’m pretty sick, but not so sick I’ll be out all week…”

“Stop rewind that, there’s a sound in the background that’s like sonar on a submarine, but more familiar,” Victor Puente interrupted the voicemail, and slowly rose from his chair with the intrepid confidence of a homicide detective. He stood silently for a moment, his head cocked, hand to the air as he listened intently to the recording. “Yes, yes that beeping do you hear it? That’s the shrine locator from Breath of the Wild, I’d recognize it anywhere.”

“Also if you listen closely you’ll here the whisp of the wind beating against a torch, which by my estimation would place him somewhere in the Lost Woods, or running thro…” Puente continued before realizing everyone had left the room.

Management said they’d ask Bromley for a doctor’s note, but wouldn’t push too hard, “Everyone should get to play hooky once in a while, and the guy’s retiring in September why not just let him get away with one. Besides that game is super addicting.”

Lexington’s booming bakery scene may have just found its new leader, if he can keep his paws off his creations long enough to sell them.

The Bluegrass Barkery, a family owned business here in central Kentucky focused on providing a complete line of products for dogs and cats, has recently interviewed a bevy of world renown pastry chefs to work in-house as their new “Treat Creator.” Their focus on using local products as well as local chefs has the guided the local business, and informed their decision that allowed them to pass on famous pastry chef and french bulldog Jean-Claude Van Doggone, and hire local chef and golden retriever pup, Jim Greyhound, in his stead.

However, this adorable chef just can’t get enough of the human grade ingredients the Bluegrass Barkery insists on using in their fresh baked tasty treats. While Greyhound tends to make a lot of noise in the kitchen, he didn’t have much to say about his new position, aside from finding his first few days on staff to be a little “rough.”

Eric Conn, a lawyer many in Eastern Kentucky trusted despite him having ‘Con’ right there in his last name, has disappeared according to the FBI on Saturday.

While the FBI held a press conference to explain the disappearance, they regrettably didn’t divulge what type of magic the attorney used to disappear, however they explained that they are still hopeful they can find him.

“We found that he removed the electronic monitoring device he was required to wear by law, which stinks because if he’d have kept that on, we’d be able to find him a lot easier,” began FBI officer Thomas L. Jones.

Jones continued, “Look, him ditching that ankle bracelet was a real bummer for us, because Eric C. Conn can run but he can also hide;no one knows where is is, that’s what we call hiding for any of you not in law enforcement.” The FBI claimed they had some leads, “We’re fairly certain he’s out there looking for, who he says, is ‘the one armed man that framed him.’ I dunno if he’ll find him though, because Conn himself pleaded guilty, so I dunno how he was framed really.”

After the press conference Jones gathered the officers around and yelled out to them, “What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, Residence Inn, Men’s Wearhouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, or any old regular house that has Netflix showing new episodes of House of Cards and houseboat in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is Eric C Conn. Go get him.”

While Eric C. Conn was not available for comment at press time, he had left a voicemail on our office phone that included heavy breathing and the message, “I didn’t kill my wife.” Which we were confused by as no one had said he had.

The Commonwealth of Kentucky celebrated it’s 225 birthday yesterday and, in what has become a twenty-first century tradition, Kentucky spent the morning after it’s birthday scrolling through Facebook notifications, seeing all of the ‘Happy Birthday’ posts from friends, casual acquintances and accounts they’d accepted a friend request from after not being able to decide if it was someone they’d gone to high school with or a sex-bot of some sort.

The blanket statement post included mainly vague language, not thanking anyone in particular, saying, “thanks for all the birthday well wishes. It’s great to feel loved. I’m looking forward to making 226 the best year yet!”

“I really appreciated all of the posts and everything but it would’ve just taken too much time to write ‘thank you’ as a reply to every post, I have other stuff to do,” Kentucky said. “Plus, I’m pretty sure most of those people only commented because they got that annoying facebook notification telling them it was my birthday, Ohio didn’t post until like 11:25pm, but I’m still thankful. Everything I said in that post was truthful.”

“I went to the trouble of creating a really funny birthday meme and everything,” complained Georgia. “I spent time making that, definitely more time than it would’ve taken to just toss a ‘haha thanks,’ my way in the comments.”

“Are you kidding me? Georgia didn’t even tag me in the post,” retorted Kentucky. “How was I supposed to see it? And Tennessee, thanks for raising a glass of bourbon in ‘my honor,’ we all know that post was more about you than about me. Sure, Indiana can respond to every ‘Happy Birthday’ individually, because they only get posts from like 10 people, kinda sad but whatever.”