The Pub, over near Fayette Mall, has become a gathering place for many Loyalists every year on July 4th, and this year was no exception. Many anglophiles sat down in the restaurant on the day of our nation’s independence, trying stay under the radar. The restaurant was abuzz with patrons trying understand the American in England experience, or the other way around, I’m not really sure what they’re going for in their business plan.  Regardless many customers were eating bangers and mash, as that was the closest thing they had to hot dogs and french fries, when a bit of a ruckus ensued. As customers received their bills, they noticed that an additional tax line had been added with no explanation. Many of the patrons grew frustrated, and few knew exactly what to do about it. As the brouhaha escalated many patrons decided to pay their bills, minus the new tax, and stand outside the restaurant protesting.

Protesters gathered outside the restaurant, across the street from the movie theater, and were led by a man wearing a powdered wig that most of the protesters said they didn’t see when they were inside the restaurant. “He must’ve just been out there already protesting,” said one man, who was a real big help.

As the group began protesting outside the establishment many who were driving past on the way to see Baby Driver were confused and assumed they were protesting America leaving the British Empire. Shouts of “You lost, get over it!” came from cars emblazoned with confederate flags.

After a few minutes of protesting, one of the more ardent and trusted protesters, Benjamin Arnold slid quietly back into The Pub. He told his friends he was just going in to use the restroom but after a suspiciously long time, his friends looked through the window and saw him, eating some buffalo chicken sliders (another part of the authentic British experience at The Pub). Once word spread, many of the protesters called for his head. His friends defended him though. “Look, he’s always been addicted to this place man,” said one friend. “Yeah, that’s why we call him ‘addict,'” said another friend. Ben ‘Addict’ Arnold enjoyed his meal but was no longer welcome at the protest.

On Tuesday afternoon, Kentucky Fish and Wildlife officials announced to Kentuckians that when it comes to bull sharks living in the commonwealth’s waterways, they had nothing to worry about, just like that mayor did in Jaws.

However, when wildlife officials tried to calm Kentucky Lake visitors and residents with an official looking Facebook post Tuesday afternoon that they hoped would explain the original story was total bull shark, they neglected to call a press conference or offer any names as sources for further comment or explanation.

The end result for residents is one of confusion, “They’re telling us the story about bull sharks was fake news, but then their story kinda just looks like fake news too, I mean little stories like this can have a big effect here in town, and potentially ruin this small town’s summer economy,” explained Kentucky Lake’s former vice mayor Larry Vaughn.

“The fact that they don’t cite any authoritative sources, that’s the problem I got, that and this here old timey photograph that’s been hanging in my office, since long before I worked here,” Vaughn explained as he pointed to a framed photograph that must have been from, “some sort of old Kentucky newspaper, or history book.”

The photograph dated May 15, 1848 isn’t exactly in focus, and Vaughn admits it might not be the evidence he and other bull shark truthers are looking for, “could be showing us six or seven bull sharks in a river next to an incredibly large roll of toilet paper, or it could be a family that was too cheap to take a ferry and attempted to ford the big blue river, which many historians agree must have been located somewhere near the future site of Rupp Arena. How did this family die? Was it bull sharks? Was it dysentery? We know for sure if they forded the river it ruined a lot of their supplies, especially since they were carrying way too much buffalo meat. Guess there’s no way to be sure. History, she is a cunning mistress and she keeps many a-secret, the answers to which, we are not privy.”

Lexington is quickly becoming the quintessential drinking destination of central Kentucky for all beverages not made in a bathtub. While this area of the Commonwealth has a rich history of capitalizing on the benefits of making limestone water into something that can make you go blind, over the last ten years distilleries have started to share the well and the wealth with many local breweries.

For those that can’t quite stomach bourbon and haven’t got the palate for small batch beer, Lexington has been a cruel mistress for anyone that would like to “drink local.”

That is, until the city sees Happy Cattleman Brewing celebrate their grand opening this weekend. Owner and brewmaster Wally Plancher will open America’s first “Craft Zima Brewery” in the ever expanding historic distillery district in Lexington’s Pepper Campus.

“To be honest I haven’t drank a lot since the mid to late 90s, losing crystal pepsi was one thing, but when having a Zima with some candy in it somehow shifted from being awesome to being lame, I just didn’t want to drink socially anymore, because I just didn’t know how,” explained Plancher.  “We all love the taste of Zima, but to be fair, by the end of its run, it just tasted a little too corporate.  Maybe its popularity died out because the recipe was compromised to reach a broader audience?  I can tell you, that won’t happen here.  Our Zima will always be made from small batch recipes with a focus on local ingredients. However, if you remember, Zima’s initial popularity didn’t just stem from the taste. It wasn’t just delicious, it was also the safest buzz I’d ever come across. You know the old rhyme, beer before liquor never sicker, but never fear if that beer is clear.”

Plancher has been experimenting with his recipe for almost 20 years now, “I mean I’ve put every type of hard candy into all kinds of bottled drinks, but nothing’s worked. I almost gave up completely after I tried dropping a Werther’s Original into a bottle of Smirnoff Ice at a Keeneland tailgate. My friends made me chug it, and have been hiding bottles of it around my house ever since.”

The owner is confident that Happy Cattleman Brewing will be an immediate success, “Financially speaking, I really think this is gonna take off, because people don’t really care if something is good or bad, they just care if it reminds them of a time when they were younger and could drink experimental beverages without fear that they have a hangover for 3 days like we do in our thirties.”

This weekend’s Pride Parade got off to a somewhat confusing start for at least one participant; Versailles pig farmer Tim Gammon arrived at the parade with a large, pig-shaped paper mache float adorned with Kentucky Proud stickers he’d built specifically for, what he thought, was the Kentucky Proud parade celebrating the farmers of Kentucky.

“It took me a while to figure out what was going on, but in my defense these parades are a lot more similar than you’d think. Both have their fair share of shirtless men, plenty of wine, and a lot of very extravagant leather work,” explained Gammon.

Despite the scheduling mistake Gammon said that event goers still embraced his contribution to the parade, “One guy in particular was real nice about it, we talked for a while and said he loved the float and all different kinds of animals, but was really hoping to see a bear or two.”

Gammon continued to compliment the event, “Sure I was confused at first, but honestly I had the time of my life! These people weren’t like the snooty crowd at the farmers markets, they were very welcoming, I’m definitely coming back again next year.”

“Some people back home just don’t understand the event at all, one even asked me if it was scary and to be honest at one point I was pretty frightened, but only because I saw someone dressed as The Babadook.”

The city of Lexington is preparing for this weekend’s Pride Festival which celebrates members of LGBTQ community, and part of that preparation included painting the crosswalks on Limestone and Short Street rainbow colors. The artist, Royce Gerald Biv, said he was happy to help the city prepare for the festival. “This is a great opportunity for the city,” the artist said, bragging about his work. “It’s really going to spruce up this section of downtown, it brings some fun color and I think it’s a very nice gesture by the city to be part of the Pride Festival. Plus, it’s a crosswalk, no one even uses them, they just cross the street wherever they want. Who would even get mad about a crosswalk?”

The answer, to Biv’s rhetorical question, was found in the comment section of every local media outlet’s story on the aforementioned crosswalks. “I don’t understand why we can have a gay festival but we can’t have a Christian festival,” said one user, Gary Hale, who, according to his Facebook profile had checked into Questapalooza on more than one occasion. Mr. Hale, the same middle-aged white male continued next with the argument that the crosswalk shouldn’t have been changed because of “safety reasons.” Hale explained in King James English, “allow me to cast the first stone for a moment, cross not lest ye can see the standard faded white paint at this downtown crosswalk.”

Hale continued his rant, “look God sent a rainbow to Noah as a promise that he’d never flood the world again, but here we are, about to flood the streets of Lexington with rainbows. It’s blasphemous.”

When reached for comment, Hale acknowledged his white privilege and explained that was why he was able to spend time on the internet making these arguments. “When everything goes right in your life it’s such a blessing, because you then get to focus on the things no one else has the time to, ya know? I just love that I get the chance to focus on the things that don’t matter at all.”

The city of Lexington announced that it will, once again, be starting its research into the best place to put another mall near the intersection of Man O’ War and Nicholasville Road. This week The Summit At Fritz Farm celebrated its fourth Grand Opening event in the last two months, officially letting the city know the dust has settled on city’s newest grand shopping center.  The city has decided that now that the Summit is now only awaiting the opening of 60% of their stores, it’s time to start exploring ways to add yet another shopping center where middle-aged white people could get confused by the sudden appearance of turn lanes, thus creating slow moving traffic anytime more than twenty cars are at the same intersection.

“As far as I’m concerned, that corner of Man O’ War and Nicholasville has four corners and we’ve only got shopping centers on two of them. We’ll have to put a team on it but it seems like there’s a couple of early contenders right there,” civil engineer and traffic enthusiast Tony Madden told us. “I can only imagine the gridlock,” Madden continued as he looked into the distance, a grin creeping across his face.

The city responded to citizens, who were rightfully concerned they would not be able to get from one Whole Foods to the other Whole Foods easily, with the promise of mall-to-mall access roads using formerly underutilized residential streets. The unveiling of this plan is part of the city’s larger initiative to ensure that no one living near Clays Mill or Reynolds Road would ever be more than 600 feet from a shopping center.

Madden ended the press conference with, “Look if y’all wanna live in a two Target town, you’d better move on up to Newport!”