Harold Leeder

Parents Ask Lexington Traditional Magnet School To Shift Curriculum Away From Magnets

By: Harold Leeder

October 5, 2017

In an uncomfortable but necessary PTA meeting last night parents of students at the Lexington Traditional Magnet School asked administrators to change the school’s landmark curriculum, and to begin teaching subjects other than magnets.

“Look, I love magnets as much as the next person,” said Tess LaBeouf, mother of a student at LTMS. “I just think that, in addition to learning about magnets we also need to start teaching students about math and reading and stuff.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” LaBeouf continued. “I love when my kid comes home with her art projects. But I think they should learn how to do more in art class than just put the hair and beard on Wooly Willy using the magnet and those metal flakes.”

However, the administration was not ready to simply abandon the curriculum they’ve spent so many years crafting. “You know how you make magnets less effective? You pull em apart,” began magnet teacher Paul Orsides. “If you pull these kids away from magnets, they might not be attracted to them again; I mean I’ve seen ‘em flip a thousand times.”

Orsides concluded by saying, “look, we don’t want these kids to grow up like the Insane Clown Posse, wondering how magnets work. Sure, as middle aged parents you may not appreciate magnets, but as you get older you start to understand that wearing magnet bracelets can help cure you from disease and fix your arthritis. Then you’ll wish your kids had had a more magnet focused education.”

Bevin’s Pension Reform Includes Putting All Our Spare Climate Change Into A Coinstar

By: Harold Leeder

October 4, 2017

Governor Matt Bevin isn’t quite ready to start finalizing his plan to overhaul the Commonwealth’s growing pension problem, but his impromptu facebook live broadcast discussing it yesterday, has many of us very worried.

Bevin waited for the livestream to have enough viewers before starting, which forced the governor to spend the few minutes just staring blankly into the camera and breathing loudly through his nose into his phone’s microphone before he began, “Since I’m already super unpopular, people up high want me to make some unpopular decisions, and just cut the promised pensions to all of our government workers. I’d like to avoid that if possible, because I was recently told by my staff that apparently these people can vote.”

Then the governor explained how he was really caught in a catch-22, and then talked about how the wildcats should really throw the ball to Siheim King more often before returning to his point. The governor said he had “promised the members of the financial elite (the recently, as well as the soon-to-be, retired high ranking politicians) that I won’t cut their huge take home pensions. Honestly, I literally can’t, if I did then they wouldn’t be financial elites, see how that works? So instead we’ll probably have to cut out these freeloading teachers.”

Bevin shifted the broadcast to a brainstorming session where he white boarded several different ideas. One involved declaring the pension crisis evil, thereby making it impossible to legislate. Another thought to improve fundraising where he would write a law that would make playing the lottery mandatory for anyone that has a dollar on them. However he spent the bulk of time with a different fundraising plan, “howsabout we take all this loose climate change I keep hearing about but have never seen myself, and put it all in one of those coinstar machines? If there’s half as much climate change as former President Al Gore says, then we should have quite a bit of it lying around in our couch cushions.”

In conclusion, the governor explained that he didn’t think anyone had a real grasp of how big the problem really was, or how much it would cost to fix, “A consultant firm that we paid a ridiculous amount of money to look at our pension program said most of the problems could be fixed with a 401k. I hate to break it to you, but 401,000 dollars isn’t gonna even put a dent in this bad boy.”

Courtesy On Wheels Guy Tested For Type 2 Diabetes, Told To Cut Back On SWEETS

By: Harold Leeder

October 2, 2017

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me,” thought Courtesy On Wheels owner and spokesperson Dan Glass. “But it turns out, words can at least give you issues with your insulin production.”

Glass, famous for his catchphrase “SWEEET!” visited his doctor earlier this week where he was given the diagnosis. “I was told I have to cut back on the SWEEETS! and I have to take these shots.”

“I don’t know if he has diabetes or not,” said Glass’ physician Greg Condo. “I’d been in the room for three minutes and he’d shouted ‘SWEET’ like 12 times already. So I told him if he didn’t stop doing that I’d cut off his leg. He asked if it was because he had diabetes and I said ‘sure.’ Then I gave him some placebos for him to inject whenever he feels like he has to say it. Maybe if he has to associate the pain of a shot with the shouting of SWEET he’ll eventually stop doing it. I’m running out of ideas, this may be our last hope to get him to stop. I’m doing this for the good of the city.”

“I am going to follow these medication instructions very closely,” Glass said. “I know how much everyone in the city loves my catchphrase and doesn’t find it at all annoying. People are relying on me. Sure, I’m technically in the car business, but I’m really in the making people happy business. If I stop with my catchphrase, I’m no better than Paul Miller over there.”

Vice Mayor Steve Kay Gives Up Search For Estranged Sister And Makeup Mogul Mary

By: Harold Leeder

September 29, 2017

Lexington’s current vice mayor, Steve Kay, has announced that, after years of aggressively and wildly pursuing anything that even looked like a pink Cadillac, he was giving up the search for his estranged sister Mary Kay.

“I’ve spent years looking for her,” the future former Vice-Mayor said. “I just don’t know that I’ll ever find her. My original idea to find her was to get a couple of people to help me look for her, and I would offer a reward. Then those people would recruit their friends to help us look for her and you could get a piece of the reward if someone you recruited was the one that found her. So they’d get friends to join, and those people would get their friends to join. It seemed like it couldn’t miss.”

However it appears that the plan has, in fact, missed as Kay has given up his year long search for the makeup mogul. “I’ve tried reaching out to her at work, since she owns her own company,” Kay said, “but it’s harder than you think to get to the top. The company seems to have her at the top and then the organization gets wider and wider, the farther down you go. My friend, and fellow politician Ben Carson told me that this is the same scheme the used to sell grain back in ancient Egypt.”

Kay concluded, “while I’ve given up hope of finding my sister Mary I will continue to try and find my Uncle, the jeweler that claims his jewelry begins every kiss. Eventually, I’ll get this family back together.”

University Of Louisville Hires A Mathematician Named Karen To DeSypher FBI Report

By: Harold Leeder

September 28, 2017

In the wake of CBS news reporting that Rick Pitino is actually the unnamed “Coach 2” referred to in the court documents that sent shockwaves through the world of college basketball on Tuesday, the University of Louisville is determined to not be surprised by any more discoveries, whether by criminal investigators or awesome hard hitting investigative reporters.

“Look we’re gonna get to the bottom of this scandal before anyone else can uncover new evidence and bury us even deeper at the bottom of this CentrePointe sized hole we’ve found ourselves in,” said Jeff Winston, a man who currently holds the position of worst job in the world, media spokesperson for the University of Louisville.

“If we can find out what exactly we did wrong before anyone else does, then we can admit it, apologize, punish ourselves and pick up the pieces and move on. Therefore we’re pulling out all the stops and hiring whoever is out there that can help us.”

The University announced they’ve hired a bevy of hypnotists, several lie detector administrators, and a leading analytics practitioner, Rebecca Karen, in hopes of desyphering the court documents that allege wrong doing by Louisville’s coaching staff. Karen, a leading mathematician and charismatic tech innovator, who through the use of analytics and crowd sourcing, has solved crimes and many mysteries for corporations across the globe.

Winston explained that they’re putting a lot of faith in Karen and the fact that she’s “a real person, and not some character we saw on a commercial for a CBS show with that guy from Entourage. She was our second call, right after we tried to reach The Mentalist.”

With Only Hours Before He’s Fired Rick Pitino Is Going On A Wild Rule Breaking Spree

By: Harold Leeder

September 27, 2017

The the end of the Pitino era seemingly imminent, the University of Louisville Head Basketball Coach is reportedly spending his last hours on an energetic rule breaking spree. The list reportedly involves the breaking of several, state, local, federal, moral and biblical laws according to those with knowledge of the situation.

“I think he’s trying to check off everything on his rule breaking bucket list in the next couple hours,” said a personal assistant. We couldn’t publish much of the reported activities on the bucket list as this remains a family-friendly publication, but we believe there to be enough 15 second intervals between now and the scheduled presser this afternoon for him to make his way through much of the list.

In a statement, Future Former Coach Pitino said his only regrets are that he didn’t start on this list of rules he’d like to break sooner. “I wish I’d watched Ozark a little closer,” Pitino said in a statement through his lawyer. “If I’d paid more attention we could’ve washed this money and I’d have more time to burn through this list.”

Everyone At Your Office Agrees To Not Ask Each Other About Their Weekend Today

By: Harold Leeder

September 25, 2017

After a weekend that few UK Football fans will forget no matter how hard they try, a mutual agreement has been reached at area offices to break the Monday tradition of asking how everyone’s weekend was.

“We all know how everyone’s weekend was, it sucked,” said Kevin, a mid-tier salesperson at a regional breeders supply company. “We were a little lost at first because that’s what you do on Monday but we all knew that asking that question would cause us all to fall apart emotionally. So I just finally let Carol tell me about her recipes she’s always wanting to tell me about.”

“I almost lost it in this morning’s Monday meeting,” said longtime UK football fan and marketing associate Jenna. “We’re all sitting there, miserable, trying to just think about Saturday night and Victor, who wouldn’t know a football if it hit him in the face, and if I’d had a football I’d have hit him in the face with it. He comes and says ‘we’re in a little bit of a holding pattern with these expense reports.’ Holding pattern? Right now you’re gonna say that Victor? Geez. Then he comes with this, he says to all of us ‘sales have been a little slow, let’s make sure we don’t blow these leads we just got.’ I kicked over my chair and left the room”

“It’s nice being surrounded by people who are just as miserable as you in a time like this I guess,” Kevin said, speaking to us without lifting his head off the desk. “I’m trying to look on the bright side. I mean, Moses was lost for 40 years, we’ve only lost for 31. We’ve got 9 more tries before this thing becomes biblical, and who knows. Moses ended up parting the Red Sea, maybe we’ll end the streak and then beat the Crimson Tide in the SEC Championship. Eh, I’m trying to be positive but it’s just so hard right now.” With that Kevin rolled out of his chair and laid on the floor, staring lifelessly at the ceiling. “Next year is the year,” he whispered. “Next year is the year.”

New Parking Issues At Kroger Field After Kroger Installs Shopping Cart Returns

By: Harold Leeder

September 22, 2017

Saturday evening the University of Kentucky may see their largest football game tailgate crowd ever, and unfortunately they’ll have to do it with 56 less parking spaces.

Kroger Field has undergone it’s fair share of cosmetic changes since, Kroger purchased the naming rights, but now the changes are beginning to take effect even outside the stadium. Kroger employees spent the last three days installing over fifty conveniently located cart returns throughout the K-Lot (now to be referred to as the Kroger Lot) in preparation for Saturday’s sellout football game against the University of Florida.

“Sure, we’re givin’ up some parking spaces, but if I can park out here and have a shopping cart, I can bring way more bourbon to my rich friend’s tailgatin’ tent,” said bourbon and wildcat superfan Shane Miller.

“Then after the game imma fill up this cart with all the stadium’s leftover nachos, and we’re gonna keep this K-Lot party going,” added Miller before his words devolved into an unintelligible scream that seemed to be “cats” but with a number of extra syllables added in.

“I don’t mind them adding the cart return, in fact I need these carts since they won’t let me bring in my huge purse anymore,” exclaimed Regina Fraley a woman in her 40’s that was already sitting in one of the carts when we arrived. “You gotta have a clear bag now, honey,” she yelled at some female students that passed by on their way to class, since it’s still a school day and everything.

Optimism is a new feeling for many Wildcat football fans, and many are trying to maintain their positive attitude towards the football team when talking about the many changes the stadium continues to undergo. “As long as this team keeps winning and the stadium has that free olive bar, I’m happy,” said pretty much everyone in town.

City Celebrates The End Of All Traffic With Opening Of Newtown Pike Extension

By: Harold Leeder

September 21, 2017

The city of Lexington held a ribbon cutting ceremony this morning to unveil a new stretch of road that will allow drivers to stay on Newtown Pike for like a quarter of a mile longer. City spokespeople are saying that adding a little bit more to this small road is the key to ending all traffic throughout the city.

While having a ribbon cutting event for the opening of a road that isn’t even a mile long doesn’t make much sense, the excitement from hopeful citizens does. The Newtown Pike Extension Project began over ten years ago and promises to alleviate all congestion throughout the city, as well as teach drivers what left lanes are for.

Lexington traffic expert Don Bradman explained “You know how once hackers found a way to break into a small crack in Equifax’s security, then every single person with credit on the planet had their information come flooding out that small opening? That’s pretty much what Scott Street will be once everyone sees how awesome this new road is.”

“Look, everyone thinks the key to fixing traffic here is improving the stoplights on Nicholasville Road so you don’t hit every single one red no matter when you’re driving on it, but that’s not it man. This road is the key right here man,” a man that wouldn’t tell us his name but was wearing a suit and standing near the former vice-mayor told us. “Lexington is like Vin Diesel in those Fast And Furious movies, we live our lives a quarter-mile at a time, and this quarter mile addition, well this thing is gonna fix it all.”

While drivers are excited at the possibilities of carefree, traffic free driving throughout the city from here on out real estate developers are also salivating at the new, soon to be highly trafficked area. Early reports suggest that as many as four malls could be placed on the small stretch of road within the next year, but CentrePointe developers have other ideas. “I sure would like to get a plot of that land and see how big a hole I could dig.” Said one of them as he stared off into the distance with his arm resting upon a golden shovel. Then just as we started to walk away, he took a handkerchief from his breast pocket and dabbed his now moist eyes and said softly, “She sure would be some hole.”

Health Department Says “All Dogs Go To Heaven But None Can Go To This Hot Dog Store”

By: Harold Leeder

September 20, 2017

As our President speaks to United Nations General Assembly threatening to totally destroy North Korea, some Lexingtonians have decided they have a far greater worry after the city’s Health Department said people can’t bring their dogs to a new restaurant in Hamburg Pavillion.

Double Dogs Chow House, a real life dog friendly hot dog chain restaurant, opened Monday in Hamburg to a disappointed group of dog owners, when at the zero hour the Health Department declared the restaurant’s patio must remain dog free.

“I guess I don’t really understand the question here,” said confused yet perfectly reasonable Lexington-Fayette Health Department spokesman Rebecca Heathcliff. “When we first got a petition we assumed it was a petition against the idea of a restaurant that only serves hot dogs. But they wanted to bring dogs to the restaurant. I mean, it’s hot dogs but this is still a restaurant. People serve food here. Why does everyone want a bunch of strangers’ dogs begging them for bites of it? Seems like a patio dedicated to schadenfood if you ask me.”

Heathcliff pulled a copy of a health code book out as she continued, “It’s a health code violation listed under the ‘Why do we even need to write this one down’ statute: ‘No large groups of pets where food is served.’ That along with ‘trash must be held in containers,’ and other obvious things that protect you people from disease.”

A petition calling for the health department to let the dogs in had almost 800 signers by Tuesday afternoon, proving that at least 800 people here in Lexington are white people with a lot of free time and living a life without any real problems.

Dog lover and petition author Regina Muffit explained, “I just have all the time in the world, so why not devote some to this ’cause?’ I dunno is it a cause? Whatever it is, I want to make sure we can take our dogs to this patio in Hamburg, because it matters.” Muffit said the petition is just the starting point, and they’ll do whatever it takes to make sure pets can go to this hot dog store. “In Colorado they let runners poop all over their neighborhood, but here in Kentucky we’re worried about a little dog poop at a restaurant? It just doesn’t seem right. So I should probably call my state representatives about it, since I’m sure they don’t have more important things to devote their time to.”

Heathcliff assured us the health department doesn’t have anything against dogs, and thought they were just doing their duty to protect the public, but won’t stand in the way of anyone trying to change the rules as they are written. “We are listening, and the state is listening. Talk to your state reps, your council members,” she said. “I mean definitely call them about this, instead of all the other things you’ve been calling them about since January. I’d just like to see their face when you call about it.”