Jake Groovely had planned to propose to his long-term girlfriend Anna Hucks during the inevitable encore performance of “Everlong” at the Foo Fighters concert at Rupp Arena before the show was cancelled, ruining the weekends of many of Lexington’s formerly cool residents.

After they learned the concert was cancelled, Groovely thought maybe he’d try his luck proposing to Hucks at an elegant dinner at Lockbox Restaurant inside Hotel 21c where the couple had originally planned to stay the night. “It’s not like Jimmy Johns, even the smells are pretty expensive, but I mean, a nice, expensive restaurant with good atmosphere and romantic lighting, it’s just no place to ask a gal to be your wife.” said Groovely. “So I think we’re just gonna drive back to Newport now, I’m not springing for a room if I’m this sober.”

Groovely says he’s willing to drive as far as Columbus but not as far as Cleveland for the picture perfect proposal. “I want to share this special moment with her and 10,000 strangers,” said Groovely. “Me on one knee, Grohl fricking shredding while I shout ‘You wanna get married?’ at her while she struggles to know if I’m serious or if that’s part of the song.”

Why the Foo Fighters and not some other band? “Because our love is a lot like the Foo Fighters,” said Groovely. “Like when they got rid of the Sunny Day Real Estate drummer, and then Dave had to redo all the drums himself, and then they brought in Taylor. Our love don’t move to the beat of just one drummer.”

Groovely’s spirits plummeted after the concert was cancelled and he began to have second doubts, like Dave Grohl himself had about having performing in Lexington apparently. “I’m probably still going to marry her,” said Groovely. “It just depends on whether the Foo Fighters come back anytime soon.”

Groovely added, “I hope she doesn’t read this article.”

Today Lexington welcomes the launch of UberEATS, the app that turns every restaurant into Jimmy Johns. No, wait, they don’t add mayonnaise to everything, or help you hunt and kill endangered species, it’s really just reminiscent of the other thing Jimmy Johns is apparently known for, delivering food quickly.

If you’ve ever been drunk in a much larger city, you may be familiar with the ridesharing app Uber, you can think of it as a less socially conscious Lyft. Well, they have decided now that instead of using a complex technology platform used only to deliver high and drunk people around town, they’ll use the same technology to safely bring food to those high people.

“I love our new system. I mean, the food doesn’t yell at you to pull into Taco Bell, only to then dump sour cream and Baja Blast all over you backseat. The food waits til you get home to be eaten,” said UberEATS driver Jeff Gordon Ramsey.

Ramsey continued, “Look we’ve all been so super high, that we’re too paranoid to actually call someone to order food, because they’ll ‘know’. So that’s where we at UberEATS come in. You can just pause a game of candy crush and order whatever you want by clicking a series of pictures and I’ll bring it to you, and you can eat it in the safety of your home, and no one will know how high you are.”

“Oh man I’ve always wanted to eat Detroit Coney Island in the privacy of my bathtub, and now that dream has become a reality,” explained first time UberEATS customer Willow Jackson.

Hopefully the app will help the city’s ongoing traffic issues, by taking some of our highest drivers off the road, specifically in times of their greatest hunger. However, not everyone views the introduction of the new business as an improvement to the well-being of Kentucky’s citizens. Governor Matt Bevin explained in a recent Facebook live event that he is worried that UberEATS delivering food to customers who are too high to drive, will only exacerbate the problem of “people overdosing on marijuana.”

Former rapper Eminem made waves last night when he released a freestyle rap at the BET Hip Hop Awards that lashed out at President Donald Trump. He hit Trump and his supporters with a fury of nearly rhyming lines pulled straight from a Huffington Post article’s comment section, while taking breaks to catch his breath and show off his middle finger. The video began circulating online immediately after it’s airing and caught the attention of many, specifically, Lexington’s own CMA award winner Officer Don.

Don announced this morning that he would be recording and releasing a response rap as part of his much anticipated CMA’s appearance. “Awards shows are no time for politics, you never see people talking about politics at the Oscars, but once Eminem laid down the gauntlet, I had to accept,” Don said. “Some people have said ‘Hey Don, country music and hip hop don’t mix,’ and I’m like ‘uhhh tell that to Senator Kid Rock.’”

Don then got more specific about the Eminem video and what he disliked about it. “I hated everything about that video. First off, he was in a parking garage. Parking garages have a ton of that sweet, sweet traffic, but they have roofs so you can’t see any of the good stuff from your chopper. They are literally one of my least favorite things.”

Don has reportedly already reserved CentrePointe to film his video. While the backdrop of the somewhat filled in hole will provide an aesthetic match to the abandoned Detroit parking garage Eminem used, many are asking why Officer Don bothered to reserve something that will likely never open to the public. “I hear there will be a Jack Ruby’s Steakhouse there too, why don’t you get us some reservations there instead,” joked Officer Don’s on-air but not real life partner DeAnn. “I support Officer in this (they’re on a first name basis). I’ll be behind him, out of focus and leaning against a car. My presence will never really be explained but it will help make him look tough I’m told.” DeAnn finished with, “but next year, I get the song.”

Lexington’s public transit authority has announced that, in celebration of Columbus Day, that buses will be renamed Columbuses and drivers have been instructed announce proudly at each stop, “Here we are in India, anyone who thinks we are in Lexington is wrong!”

Drivers have also been encouraged to then speak at length as passengers get on and off the bus about how he or she, driver of the bus, discovered this bus stop and should be celebrated for their discovery even though they keep referring to the Locust Hill at Man-O-War Center stop as “India.”

LexTran Director Tony Ferdinand explained, “Hopefully, if nothing else, this practice will open up a dialogue on what we as a country allow our banks to call holidays. Like we need to really think about what we let the people who hold on to our money for us celebrate.“

Ferdinand was also quick to point out, “I don’t know why everyone keeps blaming us for smallpox. Our buses are clean. Maybe some people have never ridden the bus before but anyone looking to try it out today, I’ll give you this advice. Riding the bus is a lot like Columbus’ first voyage from Europe. you’re not gonna end up where you want to go, and it will take longer than necessary.”