Author: Harold Leeder

Tops In Lex Mistakenly Prints Issue With A Minority On The Cover

By: Harold Leeder

May 13, 2016

Collectors of extremely rare magazines, get ready; perhaps the rarest magazine of them all is set to be given away for free along with those buy/sell/trade auto magazines at a grocery store near you beginning this summer.

That’s right, Lexington’s “priceless” magazine, Tops In Lex, announced this week that due to a printing error their next issue will feature a minority on the cover, a rare occurrence for the publication. The release will break the magazine’s current streak of 22 straight issues with an extremely white person on the cover.

“I’m really looking forward to picking this one up,” said Pierre Blase, a rare free magazine collector from Lexington who spends most of his days navigating his local Kroger taking free samples and telling the cashier “don’t ring that up, it’s free.”

“It’s a special moment for any rare free magazine collector when you can get your hands on an issue that’s as difficult to find as this one will be,” said Pierre as he asked a deli clerk when they would have more free samples of Dad’s Favorites Asiago Tomato available. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Tops In Lex. I’m probably their best ‘customer’. But it’ll be refreshing to see a cover without someone like former Vice Mayor Jim Gray or future former Women’s Basketball Coach Matthew Mitchell on it.”

There’s still no word on exactly how the printing error occurred. Our source told us things like this just tend to happen sometimes. “There’s only so many times you can search ‘white dental assistant’ on Shutterstock,” they said.

Family Shocked To Learn That “Dad’s Favorites” Are Cheese Spreads, And Not, In Fact, His Own Children

By: Harold Leeder

May 11, 2016

Umberto Eco once wrote “I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us.” “Dad’s Favorites” owner Jack Monterey, may have accidentally taught his children that his “favorites” are actually cheese spreads.

For all of their lives, the Monterey children Kefir, Brie, and Kraft have assumed that they were the apple of their dad’s eye. They were under the impression that their lives had been the favorite thing their dad had ever made. At least until they tried their Dad’s cheese spreads.

“Man I used to argue with my brother Kefir all the time about who was dad’s favorite, him or me, but then I tried some of his cheese spreads at a party and began to weep. Because that’s when I knew that he couldn’t love us more than those cheese spreads. I mean have you had them? They’re incredible” said Jack’s daughter Brie.

Oldest son Kefir, known for his hard exterior, began to appear visually upset as he wondered ”I’d like to see what kind of tie this Chipotle Cheddar gets him for Father’s Day”. Then he wiped some of the delicious cheese spread off of his chin.

“Dad’s Favorite” owner Jack Monterey has been in the cheese and deli business for about 8 years now. He started his business back when former Vice Mayor Jim Gray was still Vice Mayor. His two deli locations serve wonderful unique sandwiches and help produce 7 different delectable cheese spreads to over 10 different Lexington business locations. And until recently he’d always been able to keep his business life a secret from his children “K, so a father never wants to pick a favorite, and I’ve always tried to spread my time around with all of them”.

Recently single, youngest son Kraft, peeled off his protective layers of emotional armor and opened up, ”he says he loves us all equally but I feel like that means we are in a four way tie for second place in his heart. It’s just gonna be very hard to live this whey”.

Jim Gray Makes Campaign Promise To Deport Nashville Hot Chicken

By: Harold Leeder

May 10, 2016

Senatorial candidate and, more famously, former Vice Mayor Jim Gray announced on Wednesday that he promises to drive out all “Nashville Hot Chicken” items from various Kentucky restaurant menus.

“All this Tennessee chicken is probably here illegally, and is certainly doing illegal stuff every minute it stays here on our menus,” the development mogul turned politician mumbled to the crowd at a recent campaign rally as his words were drowned out by his supporters’ chants of “Make Colonel Sanders Great Again.”

In the press conference that followed the rally, the former Vice Mayor elaborated on his plan. “Well, I’d start by implementing phase one of my plan to ‘get Kentucky back to work’. Most of this includes several truck driving jobs where Kentuckians will load up big trucks and take this filthy chicken to the edge of our borders and dump it out. And any leftover that wouldn’t make it onto the trucks we would use a task force of folks prepared to yell ‘git’ or ‘go on’ at the chicken until it left the state of its own accord.”

Alleged Medical School graduate and “state issued” medical license holder Rand Paul proposed a counter plan. “As a ‘Kentuckian’ and an avid Tea Party supporter, I feel the the right decision here is to have everyone take all Boston Market chicken and dump it into the Harbor (Freight Tools parking lot located on Winchester Road).”

Kentuckians do have a historically proud local fried chicken culture, and the recent takeover of menus by “hot” versions of the food that comes from our amigos to the south have caused many to worry about their own financial futures in the chicken market. Any plan to expel Nashville chicken will have to have long term fail-safes, to ensure this won’t happen again. This is where Gray’s plan for a great wall comes into action.

Following in the footsteps of General Tso, who built a wall to protect his chicken empire, the former Vice Mayor plans to build a wall along Kentucky/Tennessee border. “Oh we’ll get a wall built to keep that hot chicken out, and Tennessee is gonna pay for it.”

CentrePointe To Become “World’s Largest Horse Grave”

By: Harold Leeder

May 5, 2016

After years of delays in getting the CentrePointe project off the ground, developer Dudley Webb unveiled this morning that the project’s owners have committed to making this project a success in a different way, by never getting it OFF the ground at all. Instead, the project has taken a turn for the underground, as new project plans for construction of the “World’s Largest Horse Grave” were announced in today’s press forum at UK’s Boone Faculty Center.

The project found a new lease on “life” with “CemeteryPointe”, a burial ground for both top notch celebrity horses, as well as just about any other dead horse you can think of. The Webb group have plans to announce a ribbon cutting in the coming weeks.

Former Vice Mayor Jim Gray is excited about the “red carpet affair” for the grand opening, and what it will mean financially to businesses downtown. The affair will feature celebrity horses, alive and dead, lined up downtown from the Dunkin Donuts block of Main Street all the way to the old “Milk-And-Other-Bones” dog food factory on Upper Street, but hopefully not too close.

All the big name celebrity horses will be vying to get their hooves into the “Who’s Hooves” grave of Lexington. Finally, it looks like all the horse industry money that Lexington was promised by the CentrePointe/CemeteryPoint project will find its way into our downtown businesses.

Hillary Clinton Always Knew Campaign Trail Would Eventually Lead Bill To Morehead

By: Harold Leeder

May 3, 2016

Former President of the United States and saxophonist Bill Clinton will be in Morehead Tuesday morning campaigning for his wife and Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton. Our sources tell us that Hillary secretly always knew this day would come.

“I always worried that it would come to this,” Hillary reportedly told a staffer. “I knew if I brought Bill out on the campaign trail with me it would ultimately lead him to Morehead.”

Originally the campaign only planned to make stops in Louisville and Lexington ahead of the May 17 Democratic Primary, but apparently Bill Clinton insisted that a stop be added for Morehead. Clinton also had campaign volunteers program a local cigar shop into the Waze app on his phone.

The Clintons could not be reached for comment via email.

Bill Meck Briefly Halts Thunderstorm While He Finishes Grilling Burgers

By: Harold Leeder

May 2, 2016

Despite the fact that master weatherman Bill Meck only forecasted 20% chance of showers this past Thursday evening, a storm system moved in across the Bluegrass leaving Meck, who was knee deep in burgers & dogs, no choice but to personally suspend the storms long enough for him to grill out on his back patio.

“Yeah, I don’t know what happened”, said Meck, “that dumb ol’ Doppler thought the system was gonna zig and well, it decided to zag. What are you gonna do? It’s weather. I’m out there grilling away, listening to my CCR tapes so I’m just as shocked as anyone.”

However, the all-too-powerful Bill Meck wasn’t about to let the evening’s untimely weather get in his way.  As Meck began to step out of his home onto an uncovered patio, he simply pointed upwards, and began to move clouds around the sky as if he was moving an app around on his smartphone. “No, when I saw those cumulonimbus clouds rolling in, I knew things were about to get cirrus”, joked the meteorologist as he later pointed out to us in a follow-up email that made sure we knew to type it as ‘cirrus’ and not ‘serious’ so that the joke would work in print format.

“I had just thrown the burgers on so I decided it was best to go ahead and pump the brakes on the showers while I cooked those bad boys up.” On a few occassions, Meck would simply tap his shoulders, signaling to the weather that he only needed a 30 second timeout to flip the burgers, which he would report a few hours later on the 11 o’clock news as “off and on showers.”

Meck also made a point however, to defend the storm, pointing out that the humidity is in fact ‘God’s marinade’. “Oh yeah, a little rain never hurt a barbeque in the Meck household. In fact, the limestone in Lexington’s water is not only great for distilling bourbon but it’s also amazing for making hot dogs” he quipped, while dipping a stainless steel pot into his artisan rain barrel.

Meck finished cooking the most delicious smelling meal you’ve ever smelled and began to head back inside.  Just as he opened the screen door to his home, the rain turned from light misting to torrential downpour.  He closed the door behind him as he said, “You know what they say about Kentucky weather?  If you don’t like it, just wait… until Bill Meck has to do something outside.”

Wildcat Coal Lodge to experiment with controversial rooftop removal technique.

By: Harold Leeder

April 4, 2016

The University of Kentucky announced plans this week for a summer renovation project to the Wildcat Coal Lodge, the home of UK’s basketball team and Jonny David.

While the university believes these renovations are necessary in order to ensure the best possible one-year living situation for the basketball team, the plans have come under scrutiny because of a controversial construction technique. That technique involves removing the rooftop of the lodge in order to extract any debris from the initial demolition.

“We feel that removing the rooftop is the most efficient way to complete these renovations,” said Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart. “Otherwise we’d have to just carry stuff up and down the stairs.”

Opponents of rooftop removal argue that the technique has less to do with construction efficiency and more to do with creating an easier way for the basketball team to enter and exit the facility. The removal of the rooftop would allow for the team’s 7-footers to be dropped directly into their rooms without having to duck under any door frames. The proposed renovations would also include a conveyor belt that would run directly from the top of the lodge to Rupp Arena, allowing for the extraction of the state’s most valuable economic resource, the basketball team.

Despite the controversy, the university intends to move forward with the renovations sometime this summer. When asked if the renovations would require the Coal Lodge to lose power at any point during the construction, a spokesman for the university assured us that would not be the case.

“There’s no need to worry,” he said. “Coal keeps the lights on.”

Confused Man Eats North Lime In An Attempt To Prevent Scurvy

By: Harold Leeder

March 16, 2016

Reports emerged this week that a confused man was seen eating at Lexington’s best donut shop, North Lime Coffee and Donuts, claiming he was enjoying the donuts as a way of trying to prevent the very rare malady, scurvy. We went to the University of Kentucky medical campus and found someone wearing what looked like a lab coat to try and verify these claims. We spoke with Dr(?). Tristan Domino who said, “There is no research to suggest that eating donuts from North Lime will reduce your chances of getting scurvy. That being said, there isn’t any research that tells us that eating North Lime will make you more likely to get scurvy so go ahead and eat all the donuts you want. In moderation of course. I had to say the moderation part because I am for sure a doctor.”

5 Ways To Spice Up Your Hot Brown

By: Harold Leeder

March 10, 2016

Like bluegrass, basketball and black lung, the Hot Brown is a Kentucky classic. Fred K. Schmidt created the sandwich at Louisville’s Brown Hotel in 1926 and it’s been a culinary favorite in the state ever since. But eating it the same way every time can get dull. Here are five ways to add more flavor to the dish.

  1. Black Pepper – Keep it simple with this little known flavor enhancer. Use of black pepper dates all the way back to the early 20th century. Many prefer this spice freshly ground, but we recommend stealing a black plastic pepper container from your favorite local restaurant.
  2. Allspice – This spice, native to southern Mexico and Central America, will add just the zing your Hot Brown needs. If you don’t have any Allspice at home you can make your own by combining all the spices you have in your spice cabinet.
  3. Grains Of Paradise – A species of the ginger family, Grains of Paradise will give your Hot Brown a peppery flavor with just a hint of citrus. The spice itself is native to West Africa because nothing says paradise like West Africa.
  4. Scary Spice – Nothing is more hot and brown than this former Spice Girl. If you Wannabe experiencing the finest cuisine the state of Kentucky has to offer, have a Hot Brown with the one and only Mel B.
  5. Horseradish – The Hot Brown is a staple of horse country, so why not enhance it with this horse related spice? Horseradish is made from the simple process of having horses stampede over a field of radishes. If you can’t find the real thing, a packet of Horsey Sauce from Arby’s™ will work fine as a substitute.