A few weeks ago Lexington welcomed the opening of BJ’s Restaurant and Brewhouse, a brand new California-Based-Chicago-Style Pizza Restaurant and Bar. Fayette Mall diners were happy to see the new restaurant open, as there aren’t a lot of California-Based companies making Chicago-Style pizza around Lexington, which is something no one has been saying for years.

It was announced earlier this week that the city of Lexington would receive both a $14 million grant and proof the federal government has the ability to overspend on anything; even a bike path. While tax payers are normally divided on how their hard-earned tax dollars are spent, upon learning the multi-million dollar project would get anywhere from 3-7 cyclists off the road, citizens immediately rallied around the plans.

Former Vice Mayor Jim Gray thanked many in Kentucky leadership for working together to get the funding for this critical project. Mitch McConnell and Andy Barr even crossed party lines to get the job done and meet the Lexingtonian’s demands to get these bicyclists out of our way. “We fought hard to win this grant,” said Gray. “We put aside our political differences and came together so the people of Kentucky could enjoy nature, which is very expensive to do. And to all the poor people out there, don’t worry. We haven’t forgot about you. We just really needed this super rad $14 million bike trail first. Hang in there.”

Lexington officials are very excited about combining two unused bike trails to make one really long, REALLY expensive bike trail that no one will use either. Still, many stand to benefit from the project but none more than Town Branch, who’ll be receiving a generous $14 million bourbon ad from tax payers. With all this buzz and excitement, other companies are looking to capitalize as well. Winchester city officials confirm they’ve already been petitioned by Ale-8-One ad executives with plans for opening an “Ale-Lazy River” for Summer 2017.

Officials were notified of some unusual activity near the water hazard on the seventh hole at the Lexington Ice Center’s Biblical Mini Golf last night, officials went to check the hazard and, merlot and behold, the water hazard had somehow turned into a wine hazard. The wine transformation was the second phenomenon to take place at the course in a matter of minutes after Aunt Bethel drained a miracle putt on the 6th hole.

Customers were skeptical that an actual miracle had taken place. Many initially thought it was just a “Big Red” leak from the concession stand (home of the corndog that tastes like mana from Heaven), others didn’t quite realize which miracle they were seeing as they stood in front of the hazard, raising their arms attempting to part the red wine sea. All doubts were put to rest when Uncle Terry scooped out some of the wine into his thermos. After taking a big swig he proclaimed, “this wine is subpar, and at a golf course, that means it’s great!”

By the end of the night a sizable crowd had gathered to see the miracle. The Ice Center’s ‘House Chaplain’ and guy that does the skate rentals, John DeBaptiste, blessed the miracle and the crowd before feeding everyone in attendance with only a #2 Combo Meal from Long John Silver’s. It wasn’t much of a miracle though as most had already eaten and the rest saw the bag and knew it was from Long John Silvers.

The latest escape from Blackburn Correctional Complex, taking place yesterday morning, has all of Lexington in shock and disbelief that the prison was able to go this long, 3 months and 27 days to be exact, without an escape. Even the correctional staff themselves are now admitting Blackburn is indeed easier to escape from than the Lexington Breakout games on North Ashland Avenue. The staff was able to quickly confirm this since they had just held their annual team building event at the Breakout games last week, but obviously failed to escape from their room. “The place was like Fort Knox,” said Blackburn guard Otis Boykins. “We’re talking state of the art security features like locks, doors that close all the way and a well-trained staff that seemed to care. Really the kind of stuff you only see in the movies.”

The warden held a press conference late yesterday evening to discuss the escape and upcoming plans to deter more escapes from happening every other month or so. “Look, for a minimum security facility, and I do mean minimum, to house 594….er, 593 inmates, and only let one or two slip out every three or four months, ain’t that bad.” The warden also boasted with great confidence new security measures put in place to prevent future incidents such as requiring inmates to solve some riddles and puzzles before walking out the front door in the future.

Clyde Rader, the escapee who was thrilled to be at Blackburn so he wouldn’t have to serve all of his 64 year sentence, was reported to have simply just walked away from the complex. Sources say Rader just followed the clearly marked exit signs leading out the door, thus breaking through the prison’s lone security measure, the Blackburn Honor Code.

The roar of cannon fire rang out across Kentuckiana early yesterday morning as the recently opened Ark Encounter fired a shot across the bow of the Horseshoe Casino riverboat in Southern Indiana. The gambling vessel returned fire with a barrage of empty oxygen tanks and discarded buffet plates, and before long, the two ships were engaged in a full-fledged naval battle.

Witness Uncle Terry described the mayhem that ensued.

“It was madness,” said Uncle Terry. “There I was blowing my kid’s college fund when all of a sudden, cannon shots started coming in two by two.”

The Ark’s artillery assault was led by Creation Museum founder and Brett Favre look-alike Ken Ham. Ham carried out the attack because he was tired of people sinfully throwing their money away at the casino, rendering them unable to afford the 40 Days and 40 Dollars it costs to tour his Ark.

Horseshoe Southern Indiana was captained by The Gambler himself, Kenny Rogers, who was in town to gamble some more on his face with a trip to the plastic surgeon.

The battle ended in a stalemate when The Horseshoe threatened to use its ace in the hole, a weapon of mass destruction, pocket rockets, resulting in the Ark Encounter’s exodus back to Williamstown.