TOPS In Lexington magazine is a staple of Lexington culture, known for its formulaic pictures of extremely white people and its hundreds of pages of local advertisements. Those are really the only two things the magazine does well. Which is why we were surprised to find a Lexington man who claims he actually enjoys TOPS In Lex for the articles.

Speaking anonymously from whatever fancy bourbon event TOPS was photographing last week, a man we’ll call Kyle, or Seth, or some other white guy name, assured us that he only reads the publication for its in-depth journalism.

“There’s some really good writing in there,” said Eric, or Cody, or Dustin. “Take July’s issue for example. If you haven’t seen it, it’s the one with the white lady on the cover. But anyway, it had this really good article about Mickey’s beer of the month.”

While the issue that Luke, or Scott, or Logan is talking about does indeed feature a two page spread dedicated to some old white guy named Mickey’s beer and wine of the month, it also includes a two page spread of photos from something literally called “The White Party.”  (Seriously. If you don’t believe us, click this and go to page 44.)

Despite Garrett, or Brett, or Dylan’s insistence that he genuinely likes the literature that TOPS offers, his friends aren’t so sure.

“Nah, there’s no way he’s reading the articles. Everybody knows TOPS In Lex is just smut for white people to look at when they finish grocery shopping,” said Tanner, or Connor, or Cole.

We’re two weeks into No Shave November, a yearly endeavor that allows grown men the chance to be lazy for a month under the guise of raising awareness for cancer. Celebrities and common folk alike take part in the event, and while WKYT meteorologist Micah Harris insists he’s participating this year, no one else at the station has noticed.

“Really? Micah’s doing No Shave November?” asked a surprised Victor Puente. “I don’t believe that at all. I mean we’re almost halfway through the month and he doesn’t even have a hint of a middle school mustache going on.”

After an embarrassing attempt last November that saw Micah Harris’ coworkers tease and mock him the entire month, he was determined to put forth a better effort this time around.

“Don’t tell the guys this, but I actually stopped shaving in early September this year just to make sure my beard was nice and full by the time November rolled around,” Harris said while slowly stroking the non-existent hairs on his chin. “It’s been nice not having to shave, the aftershave really burns my face.”

While Harris may struggle to grow a beard each November, other WKYT staffers have no trouble at all.

“I’m not really sure what we’re raising awareness for,” said a grizzly, unkempt Rob Bromley. “They just told me not to shave this month. My barber isn’t too happy, but I’m all for anything that saves me two bits every week for a month.”

Bromley also offered up some advice for the baby-faced Harris.

“These kids these days with their electric razors, that’s why Micah can’t grow a beard. If you want your beard to come in nice and thick, you need to shave with a straight blade, twice a day. No shaving cream either, your face isn’t a woman’s legs,” Bromley muttered as he wandered off.

Sun Tzu once said “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting,” but Sun Tzu was never involved in anything as cut throat as the world of Lexington traffic reporting. Earlier this week, Traffic Guy Brad turned his garage into a construction zone and emerged holding the most sophisticated piece of machinery available to LEX18 employees outside of Bill Meck’s doppler radar (which anyone can look at, but no one can touch). The homemade, remote control drone originated as an advanced device in Traffic Guy Brad’s arsenal to tell people when traffic happens on the 1’s, but after a heated back and forth on Twitter with rival Officer Don, Brad decided he needed to take his “traffic game” to a whole new level. So, he spent two nights designing schematics for and producing a battle drone designed to launch an all out aerial attack on Officer Don’s traffic copter.

“Traffic Guy Bradley doesn’t have what it takes to hang with the big dogs in the sky,” Officer Don said. “It’s nothing against him, not everyone is blessed with the gift of flight.”

Traffic Guy Brad responded, saying “I’ve had it with those chopper guys always trying to make us ground based traffic guys feel bad. When this drone gets up there, it’s gonna fire. And I’m hoping he’s gonna feel terror like when Coach Stoops takes callers on his radio show. The fire from the flame thrower I attached will be headed inbound into his chopper and will cause an injury collision.”

As of press time the drone had taken off from near the Airport and Aviation Museum. A visibly angry Brad sat stewing as he waited for Officer Don to come within remote control range.

Our own Officer Donna said she would refuse to engage in the violence and instead will rise above, literally, she has purchased a weather zepplin that is capable of teetering on the edge of space. Follow her for traffic updates from an air ship that is too high up for her to be able to make out cars.

With another hectic Halloween season in the books, local Halloween Express employee Billy Watkins can finally get back to doing what he does best for 11 months out of the year: completing his Sudoku puzzles while on the clock.

“When most people think of all the great Japanese art forms, they think of things like origami, kirigami, or Dragon Ball Z cartoons. But not me,” said Billy. “I’m well-versed in the ancient Japanese art of time-wasting number puzzles known as Sudoku.”

Billy’s passion for the very confusing and seemingly unnecessary game began by accident. His normal November through September routine involved browsing Facebook on his phone for a few hours before using his laptop to catch up on Netflix shows, but that all changed last year when Halloween Express had to make the tough decision to disconnect its WiFi during slow months. Demoralized, Billy found a dust-covered, half-completed Sudoku book discarded by former employee Mark Miyagi.

“I was pretty bummed at first,” Billy told us, “because I only had one episode of Daredevil left when they cancelled the internet. But then I found Mr. Miyagi’s Sudoku book, and after a long montage of tough training and a pretty nasty bout with carpal tunnel, I was able to master the art form. I owe everything I know about Sudoku to Mr. Miyagi.”

There’s one person who isn’t too thrilled with Billy’s workplace activities, and that’s Mike Barnes, manager of Halloween Express.  He thinks Billy should spend his time being a more productive employee.

“A lot of people may think this store makes all of its money during the month of October,” Barnes told us. “And that’s absolutely true. But still, I have the attitude that there’s no offseason here at Halloween Express. There’s always the chance we could actually have customers outside of October, so you have to be prepared for that. Earlier this year, Southern Elementary had a Founding Fathers Speech day, and we had an influx of customers that day. I bet there were at least three people who came in. They all wanted Ben Franklin costumes. We only had two on display, but there were a bunch in the back. Billy was too busy with his puzzles to go to the back and look, so some poor 3rd grader had to dress up as the Quaker Oatmeal guy instead.”

Barnes also shared some secret information with us about the store’s WiFi situation.

“Don’t tell Billy this, but I never really cancelled our internet service. I just made the WiFi password protected and changed the name to ‘Weird Subway With A Drive-Thru.’ I thought it might motivate Billy a little, but it only motivated him to become the best Sudoku player in Fayette County.”

In an unprecedented marketing move, the social media team for Applebee’s on Nicholasville Road took full advantage of the escalating tension in North Dakota and changed their name to ‘Standing Rock’ on Facebook early Tuesday morning. The move caused thousands of users to unknowingly check-in at the Applebee’s, something that no one would obviously ever do.

While the slick marketing maneuver did attract some new customers, it also confused local police officials who showed up on the scene expecting to find protesters but instead found something much worse; people who had just ate at Applebee’s. “Reporters and bystanders thought we tear gassed the crowd,” said Officer Russell Addison, “but they only had that expression because they were at Applebee’s.”

Some customers were not only upset by their dining experience but also the fact that they might end up on the news walking out of an Applebee’s. “We ended up here because we thought our good friends we’re having dinner here as well,” said one diner who requested to remain anonymous. “But they’re apparently taking part in that North Dakota protest to confuse the police and obviously not at Applebee’s. The police here were nice though. Too nice, in fact. We were begging them to hit us with the tear gas, in hopes of getting the taste of that food out of our mouths.”

The toughest part about Halloween as an adult is figuring out what kind of candy to hand out. Are you going to be the person that hands out full-size candy bars (bless you if you are) or are you going to be the person that hands out toothbrushes? If you’re still having trouble deciding, here is what some of Lexington’s local celebrities are handing out this year:

• Dudley Webb’s Donut Holes
• Steve Buterafingers
• Tops In Lex- White Yogurt Covered Gluten Free Pretzels
• Rob Bromley- Werthers, a bag of pennies and a sodie pop
• Lee Cruse- Fun Size bars (fun size bars might look like regular size bars in Lee’s hand; buyer beware)
• Bill Meck- Skittles (but he lets you taste an actual rainbow)
• Mitch McConnell- Turtles
• Jim Gray- Left Twix / Rand Paul- Right Twix
• Billy Gillispie- Bourbon Balls & Bottle Caps
• Chris Goodman- Nothing (he’s not home, he’s out trick or treating)