Hillary Clinton Loses 33,000 Winning Bet Slips At Keeneland

By: Harold Leeder

October 27, 2016

Hillary Clinton took a break from the campaign trail to celebrate her birthday on Wednesday by stopping by for an afternoon at Keeneland. Clinton reserved a table in the Phoenix Dining Room, but caused a little bit of a stir when she told her waiter that she would not require his services, for she had brought her own, private server.

No trip to Keeneland is complete, of course, without placing a few bets on the races, and Clinton did exactly that. We’ve learned that Clinton at one point had in her possession roughly 33,000 winning tickets, but somehow managed to lose them all. Some witnesses speculate that she dropped them in a hallway, as they reported overhearing a staffer saying to another staffer “we need to clean this up.”

We spoke with a man we assumed was a regular at the track and a degenerate gambler because of his Hawaiian shirt. He said, “I’m so sick of hearing about those tickets. I don’t really care about any of that. I’m just trying to enjoy the last few days of getting to bet on horses here at Keeneland before I have to go back over to Red Mile on Monday.

Even with the loss of the winning slips, Clinton fared better than her Republican counterpart. Donald Trump attended the spring meet during primary season and spent the entire time complaining that the races were rigged. Gary Johnson and Jill Stein were not popular enough to get an invite to Keeneland but are said to have had a good time at Turfway Park.

Editors Note: We were unable to confirm if the betting slips were actually winners as they were deemed “confidential” by Clinton’s staff, but a Russian jockey assured us they were legit.