Are you a lazy college student with little to no motivation to join the workforce, unsure what you’re going to do with the rest of your life? Well a career in the fast-paced, highly competitive world of panhandling may be in your future thanks to the latest summer internship being offered to University of Kentucky students.

The panhandling industry has seen a boom in job creation recently thanks to the Kentucky Supreme Court’s decision to strike down a Lexington ordinance that outlawed the practice. The end result is the Panhandling Internship Program, which will allow students to learn the ins and outs of the city’s fastest growing profession.

“I wish I had been given this opportunity when I was in college,” said college dropout and panhandler Tanner Scott. “Just like with any job, experience is everything in panhandling. For me, starting out as an entry-level panhandler meant having to work the graveyard shift like some common drifter murderer. An internship might have gotten my foot in the door (or should I say on the sidewalk, haha) and given me better panhandling opportunities.”

The internship will give students hands-on training and provide them with all the tools necessary to become a successful panhandler. Participants in the internship will learn everything from simple tasks like making multiple Unicorn Frappucino runs throughout the day, to more difficult assignments such as picking out the ideal piece of cardboard, using the Square app or Venmo to accept electronic payments when a stubborn potential customer says they don’t have any cash on them, or what to do when the good spot is taken. Upon successful completion of the internship, students will have the training to eventually outsource their own corners to low-wage foreign workers. The internship is paid, so the students will earn more money than their parents while also receiving three credit hours.

“The end goal of this internship is to provide the students with the skills necessary to do what any professional panhandler does,” said veteran panhandler and general dirtbag Toby Austin. “Become indecipherable from a person who’s actually in need.”

Micah Harris, a meteorologist that works at WKYT, not Facebook, is struggling to get through forecasts as he has spent the entire day giggling every time he tells people to expect record highs today. For those that may not understand Harris’ amusement, April 20th, or 4/20 is a day when some of the newspeople around Lexington like to get a little Doug High.

Harris tried multiple times to get through his forecast without a giggle, on the twelfth take he was able to surpress it to just a wry grin. Producers had to change the teleprompter and remove a line suggesting morning skies were expected to be a bit hazy.

Harris was later seen asking Dave Baker “is ‘Buzz’ Baker going to be in this afternoon?” and giving an emphasized wink.

There were suspicions of many Lexington newscasters across all stations were perhaps celebrating today. Steve Butera brought in brownies for the WLEX newsroom, which he never does. Sources also said that Alan Cutler locked himself in a small, hot room to “do yoga” and whenever anyone opened the door he would shout “close the door, you’re letting it out.” Rob Bromley has also been seen walking around with a vape pen he had sent in from Colorado.

H&R Block declares the winner of their Tax Bracket challenge this year is none other than Deandra Duck-Sean, a 62 year old nurse living in Masterson Station.  Dee claims her perfect bracket, was simply just a run of good luck.  “I filled out my taxes like I do every year, I start by filling in the boxes I know the best, then whenever I get stuck I just pick my favorite mascots.”

Duck-Sean continued, “It’s easy to pick some of them, you know, a number one seed has never been upset so I knew to pick Joe Craft to go far. I usually just fill one out for fun but I decided to enter the contest this year. My kids have always depended on me to help them fill out their brackets but now they’re too old to be dependents so I got to focus on mine.”

In addition to the prize money from H&R Block, Golden Corral magnate, Warren Buffet, has promised Duck-Sean unlimited trips to the chocolate fountain.

The CentrePointe Easter Egg hunt is a free, family friendly, below-ground event that families in Lexington will be able to enjoy for generations. Remember these 8 tips when you head downtown this Sunday.

8. City officials ask you stay after to help with cleanup, and construction.

7. If you accidentally find any jewelry buried underneath the corner of Upper and Vine, please return to Joe Rosenberg Jewelers.

6. Bring A Snack, as delays are likely.

5. The hunt will be broken into age groups and children will be divided into groups based on their experience with skilled vs unskilled labor.

4. Hard hats are required for all children under 9, or underground.

3. Have a plan, they certainly don’t.

2. Please put all of your eggs in one basket, just like the city of Lexington did with CentrePointe.

1. Participants should arrive 8 years ago.

Earlier this week passengers on a southbound TARC bus in Louisville watched in horror as a Tuesday edition of the Louisville Courier-Journal was pulled violently from between some seats and taken off the bus. This particular newspaper wasn’t planning on becoming the news at all, however now that it is, we thought it was our responsibility to dig up as much information about it that was unrelated to the story at hand as we could.

This particular copy has a somewhat precarious past. Our researchers uncovered evidence that this paper had been involved in the murder of a number of flies earlier in the morning. We also found multiple sources that say the saw the newspaper entering the restroom with a large man not hours before being pulled from the bus. Is any of this relevant to the story at hand? No, but it’s still worth publishing right?

We the media have a responsibility to report on all the news relevant to the story, and when that doesn’t work, we have the responsibility of adding unrelated, salacious details of our subject’s past to drive internet traffic to our website.