The University of Kentucky held ceremonies this weekend to hand out diplomas to the newest batch of college educated job applicants ready to enter the workforce. Many local companies are looking to pounce, ready to hire fresh, enthusiastic new employees and the newest batch of graduates, looking for any sort of full time employment in their chosen field to help pay down student loans, are chief among the applicants that these companies will not be considering.

“We’re always looking for new talent,” said an HR representative from one of Lexington’s largest employers. “We are actually looking to fill a number of entry-level positions right now, all applicants need to do is send over a resume showing they have at least five years of full-time experience in the field.”

“I’m just trying to weigh all my options right now,” said recent graduate and future barista Tristan. “My parents said if I just walk into a business, hand my resume to the receptionist and I should expect to get a job paying in the mid-five-figures within a week. They always say ‘you’re a college graduate now, that means something out there’ but I guess they didn’t see the other 5,000 people that walked on stage before me to get the same diploma.”

Tristan went on to explain “my grandfather is even worse, I’ve tried to explain to him that milkman is no longer even a job so it doesn’t matter how much money he made doing that growing up. Also, he said he majored in milk at Transy, it might be time to put him in a home soon.” When it comes to the job market though Tristan said most students are just looking to make next month’s rent payment. “I’d love to have a career but I’d love to have a place to live next week more so I’ll probably just take the first offer I get. I heard Starbucks pays about $8 an hour and panhandling can make about $9 just starting out. Starbucks feels more professional though, especially since it’s only kind of food service. I worked hard for four years so that I wouldn’t end up at an Applebees.”

Students are not totally on their own after graduation; UK does their part in placing graduates in the work force when they can. This year over 50% of graduates with a degree in Agricultural Leadership will find jobs playing basketball professionally. The students seemed optimistic though, many proudly wore “Class of 2017” shirts emblazoned with the slogan: “There are over 5,000 UK graduates this year, and most of us will go pro in something other than whatever our major was.”

Last week, the city of Lexington launched its “End Panhandling Now” initiative, a jobs program that picks up panhandlers in former vice mayor Jim Gray’s old Chevy Astrovan and lets them clean up trash around the city for a massive pay cut of $9 an hour. This week the city will be implementing phase two of the program, which involves staging large-scale gladiator fights in CentrePointe between any panhandlers whose “Stranger Danger” instincts prevent them from accepting rides from weird vans with blacked out windows.

“Not only will this put an end to the extremely minor inconvenience that panhandling causes, but it will also finally allow us to put CentrePointe to good use,” said a press release.

Combatants in the events will choose weapons ranging from swords and supersoakers to shields made of cardboard. They’ll also be able to take advantage of the surroundings that CentrePointe provides, as they can grab handfuls of dirt or gravel to throw at their opponent ‘s eyes as a last ditch effort for victory. They’ll fight each other until one tires out, at which point future former vice mayor Steve Kay will give a thumbs up or thumbs down to determine their fate.

Depending on the success of the gladiator program, the city could continue to expand its efforts to bring an end to panhandling. Other potential options include a Running Man style race through the streets of Lexington, a Hunger Games style event in Jacobson Park, or a Most Dangerous Game style hunt that would allow wealthy citizens of Lexington to pay for the opportunity to track and subdue panhandlers at one of the city’s private golf courses.

While most people use Google’s Incognito mode to hide questionable internet searches from their spouses while their ISP still sells the information to advertisers anyway, Chris Bailey apparently used the covert browser to Google the weather secrets of his fiercest rival Bill Meck, sources confirmed.

“Lexington weather is a lot like that movie The Prestige,” said a source. “Bailey and Meck are always trying to one up each other and learn the other person’s tricks, and Meck has a secret twin brother he uses to perform some of his more unbelievable weather predictions.”

Bailey rose to popularity after sawing a cloud in half and is constantly looking for an edge against his meteorological rival. He knows the importance of keeping this sensitive material close to the vest. It’s still unclear what secrets Bailey may have discovered while Googling, but he used Incognito mode so he wouldn’t leave a trail for Micah Harris.

If you’ve been near the corner of Nicholasville Road and Man O’ War recently, you’ve probably noticed an influx in tents, camping stoves and people wearing clothes you’d wear on a boat with hard hats at the same time, as high-end shoppers prepare for the long and treacherous journey over the very flat land to the somewhat inexplicably named “The Summit” shopping center.

It may seem unusual for shoppers to have to take such precautions to visit a new shopping center, but please know that shoppers have been advised to find a tour guide and work in groups to navigate The Summit as only about a tenth of the stores are currently open and much of the area is still a very active construction zone. Many shoppers embraced the challenge though, Karen Blanc told us, “It’s exciting, you know. How often do you get the chance to shop for expensive, chic clothing while also getting to dodge construction equipment. Very exciting.” After talking to some of the shoppers, The Summit’s new slogan “10% of the shopping, 100% of the danger” makes a lot more sense.

It seems that the owners rushed the opening of the shopping center, presumably to attract some high-end horse people (people that like horses, not centaurs, common mistake) before Keeneland ends it’s spring meet, hoping that they could grab some of that sweet horse cash before it flies back to Saudi Arabia. The Summit at Fritz Farm now joins Centrepointe in the growing list of projects in Lexington that were unsuccessfully rushed to completion to try and meet horse industry deadlines.

Sir Pizza of South Broadway, the once gallant knight of teeny tiny pepperonis, faced debasement yesterday after former vice mayor Jim Gray’s dinner showed up over two hours late. Gray cited last night’s delivery as the straw that broke camel’s back, as it was just another example of their serial tardiness and an abject disregard of human rights.

The now former Sir, had earned the esteemed honor a little over four years ago, when it managed to pull a sword from a pizza stone. The legendary act was recognized by Gray himself at an official ceremony of knighthood downtown. However brief, the knighthood meant a lot to the location, which had started out as just a Popeye’s Chicken but evolved into a restaurant worthy of receiving the honor that is reserved for only those of the highest order. Which Sir Pizza found easy to come by as it was usually those who were highest that ordered from there.

On the heels of revocation the debased pizzeria is still hopeful of an eventual redemption. Store manager Lance Sallot proclaimed “We will bounce back, we’ve faced a lot of adversity it the past, but for now we shall seek solace in Camelot,”  then muttered, “east” under his breath.

Editor’s note: For story reasons we traveled with the staff to both Camelot East and West only to discover they were both closed permanently.  So we just dropped them off in the parking lot of The Castle Jewelry And Pawn on Richmond Road.