While many students are reluctantly preparing to go back to school next week the semester can’t start soon enough for Mad Mushroom’s stock holders. Investors are worried after a steep earnings shortfall in second quarter and the price of the stock has reflected the uncertainty. “Our business plan is really modeled on being open later than other places and the only people that are ordering pizza late into the night are students,” said store manager Shelia Crimini. “Students get drunk a lot further away from our flagship location during the summer, we still get some late night calls asking if we’ll deliver a super 20 to Ted’s Mom’s house in Dayton but you can only do so many of those in one night.”

Crimini continued, “the summer months have always been the slowest for us and our financial forecasts have predicted that, but now with Goodfellas opening and using a similar business model but serving a better version of our product things have been different.”

Mad Mushroom has not thrown in the towel yet though. They’re hoping to win back investors and settle the nerves of the current share holders by increasing their focus on pizza-adjacent foods. “We’ve gotten as good as we’re gonna get at Pizza, but we’ve got some other stuff we’re working on too. You may ask why does my enormous order of cheese sticks come with cups of pizza sauce and ranch dressing, and we ask why not? That’s the kind of ingenuity we bring to the pizza game.”

The Carmike 10 discount movie theater has been a staple for Lexingtonians that like to wait to see movies for a discount and then try to talk to their friends about the movie while their friends try desperately to remember details about the film they all saw at least 8 months prior. However, with the recent announcement that AMC Classic would be purchasing the theater, came news that the dollar theater concept was no more and would instead be replaced by a seven dollar theater model.

“Look, you can go to Regal in Hamburg or some place like that and shell out 12 smackaroos [sic] to see a movie or you can come here without all the frills and fancy seats and see that same film for four dollars less and only a few extra high school kids making out in the back,” said theater manager Kevin Welles. “Why get a Netflix account for around the same price, when you can come see these movies right when they come out but in vein of the classic movie theater experience of yesteryear. The one that featured uncomfortable seats, and old, run down equipment.”

While Carmike was once known as Lexington’s cheapest first date location, AMC Classic 10 is hoping to offer locals a more expensive way to show your date that you’re a cheapskate, “Sorry, maybe I’m not that regal, but who needs a fancy dining experience inside a movie theater? If you want I guess we can run across the street to Tandoor and bring you some Indian food? Maybe I just come from a time when we didn’t coddle our movie goers with leather seats and usable parking lots,” explained Welles. The twenty-seven year old manager concluded by shaking his head and letting out an exasperated “ugh, millennials.”

One patron told us, “I stopped by to check it out and was surprised to see newer films showing. It was definitely different than other theaters I’ve been to, kind of reminded me of olden times. It had the carbon monoxide levels of a drive-in but there were no cars.”

Over the summer Fayette County Public Schools built a new addition, an $82 million dollar addition, and as the first day of school is right around the corner, they need to decide quickly on whether to Love It Or List It. While the school system is prepared to pay for the new school out of pocket (after what must have been a bigger than usual lottery season) some taxpayers are hoping the school district will listen to all financial offers before permanently settling on naming the school after Frederick Douglass.

“Here at Kroger we’re all about expanding our brand, and this high school is located in an area of town where we have no stores. The new location is almost 3 miles away from our nearest store, and we don’t want forgetting about us as a grocery option,” explained night shift supervisor Tim Kroger.

He added, “I tell our employees that we’re not in the grocery business, we’re in the people business.  Which is why we want our name out there on Stadiums, or schools, or buildings, anything really. However, we’re happy to offer new parents a small sum of money to name their child.”

“They’re out here doing what’s best for our community,” explained loyal shopper Clicklist Jackson, “I think the school district should take this money and put it back into improving the other schools.”

Jackson continued, “Look, what’s a better name for a high school? An abolitionist, social reformer, preacher, and a soldier in the fight for suffrage or the future employer of many of these students? We need the resources to pump out USDA Prime Choice Grade A students, and I need the fuel points.”

World famous professional prognosticator Bill Meck unintentionally used his superpowers to ruin his niece’s gender reveal party last night.

Meck’s aggravated niece, Summer Jackson, explained through a sprinkling of tears, “We asked Uncle Bill to come enjoy the party, but the invitation came with the strict stipulation that he was not to announce his ‘guess’ to anyone at the party.”

An embarrassed Meck simply replied, “Boy oh boy is my face red! What can I say? I got caught up in the excitement, they were filming everyone’s guesses and I just got carried away.”

A now viral video shows Meck being politely prodded for his guess, and we see Lexington’s lovable weatherman, after a moment of internal struggle as he tried to suppress the urge to announce his prediction, stand up, and pull from his pocket a folded up green screen, only to place it on the living room wall behind him.

“He had a laser pointer and used it to point at different places on the green screen, however nothing was projected on it, like maybe he was gonna add the visuals later or something,” said a flustered, confused and irritated Jackson.

Meck defended the mistake, “Look we know the good Lord above gave me a gift and If God didn’t want me to use my powers of premonition at this party he wouldn’t have given them to me. We all knew there was at least an 80% chance I was gonna do this in the first place.”

“I know right now we’re expecting an ice cold front from the parents-to-be, but hey it’s not like I told them they were actually going to be having twins. Oh gosh, please don’t print that, I did not mean to say that,” added Meck as he chased us to our car.