A public meeting, or as millennials may call it, a live yelp review, has always been democracy’s greatest stage. A place where crazy people can yell at people in powerful positions about their unsolvable problems without fear of being told to “move it along.”

As Lexington’s most recent city council meeting just hit record attendance numbers during a divisive discussion about whether or not to keep statues of confederate generals up, the city thought they’d ride the wave of town involvement and bring the town together by planning a meeting that would unite the city’s residents against society’s greatest villain, the cable company.

The meeting was initially scheduled for 6pm last night, however the group’s representatives failed to show up, and left a voicemail on Jim Gray’s office line saying they would send a cable representative by tomorrow sometime between 9am and 4pm.

Since the voicemail, the line of communication between the city and Spectrum has shut down. Even media darling Jim Gray has had some trouble getting through to the higher ups over at Spectrum cable services. When the former vice mayor called to ask where people were he was told, “there is an outage in your area, we are currently working on it but there is nothing our representatives can do at the moment” and disconnected the call, then shut off his landline phone service all together.

While not present at the meeting, Spectrum sent a statement to the press explaining that they’d be willing to make a few concessions and want to focus on better serving their customer base, “Look, we’re trying our worst here, you’ll have to bear with us.”

The memo added, “We’re very sorry, however we are currently unable to remove ‘unwanted fees,’ because to us, they’re wanted fees.”

Gray said he and fellow officials are still hopeful that, “Their level of service to the community WILL improve, mostly because it’s impossible for it to get worse.”

Darryl Isaacs spent the weekend mounting a large scale production for his latest commercial, one aimed at helping the victims of knock off eclipse glasses file a class action lawsuit against the sun. Isaacs was, for reasons that will hopefully become clear when the commercial airs, dressed as the sun as he spoke into the camera “If you’ve been injured by the sun you need someone who knows how to get you the money you deserve. Don’t fight the big sun by yourself, call me, Darryl Isaacs and let the Hammer fight the sun for you!”

When asked why he planned to sue the sun Isaacs said, “Kentucky is a no moon fault state, and lately we’ve been seeing a lot of literature that talks about the moon just being a hologram that’s being used by the government to control us, and you can’t sue the state, so taking action against the sun just makes the most sense financially.”

After filming a giddy Isaacs told us how excited he is about the prospects that come with this commercial, “The eclipse could be 2017’s mesothelioma.” Isaacs revealed some of his plans for the commercial, “We’re going to put up a different phone number on the screen than the one we say out loud, you know, to weed out the fakes and the frauds, I don’t represent the frauds, I represent real people. If you want to fake blindness go see [names redacted] & Hughes, that seems right up their alley.”

Isaacs cautioned, “I just want to warn everyone, don’t make your own pinhole box, because you can’t sue yourself. Or can you? Did I just discover a whole new revenue stream? I’ve gotta go write this down.”

After months of investigating and working undercover Lexington police have finally busted the Kroger Fuel Point Kingpin known as Pablo Prices. Prices has was apprehended and has been charged with trafficking on Richmond Road and Tates Creek as well as eight counts of possession of fuel points with intent to sell to a minor.

“I’m glad this dangerous criminal is off the streets,” said concerned parent Tammy LaFlour. “I’ll use fuel points from time to time but I’m old enough to know what I’m doing. These are just kids. I heard a Dateline report that said, now, dealers are lacing the Kroger Fuel Points with Speedy Rewards points. It’s scary stuff.”

“The Sting operation, at first, was just an acl scope but once we heard that the wrestler recovered nicely, we knew it was time to do some real police work,” said Chief of Police Clark Bartrand. “We got a couple of his low-level dealers at the high school and eventually they turned on him and we were able to locate Prices.” Police seized roughly $150,000 worth of fuel points from Prices’ residence. The points will be destroyed per judges orders.

The Woodland Art Fair, a tradition in this city and a time when many Lexingtonians think to themselves “I like that sculpture, never mind its $1200.” Here are some helpful tips and tricks you can use to make your outing this weekend as successful as possible:

1. For the fat, shirtless guys playing tennis at Woodland park, this is the biggest audience they’ll get all year. This is their Wimbledon. Throwing a gentle applause their way will really make their day.
2. Woodland Art Fair baby changing stations are for diaper changing only, not actual baby exchanges
3. Most of the artists are authentic, talented artists, but some are forgers, and those forgers can be useful if you need your parents signature on a permission slip or a diploma in a jiffy.
4. There will be at least 5 different breweries on site, be sure to buy your art before you drink. Paintings look a lot better around the fair’s closing time and there are no refunds.
5. The Woodland Art Fair is the best place for people to get one of a kind pieces to fill their homes, if only you had a home
6. With free shuttles to the fair it may be one of the 3 times you ride a bus this year, don’t sit next to someone that didn’t get off at your stop, they’ve probably been on it all day, and are probably named Jeff, and are just gonna talk to you about squirrels for 10 minutes, and you’re not going to be sure whether or not he’s even talking to you.
7. Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and most people at the art fair are not beholders.
8. Whoever buys the most art wins, remember small pieces count just as much as big ones. If you purchase something from a guy named Art you get double points (1.5x points if he goes by Arthur).
9. This event is sponsored by Pepsi, so remember to bring your own non-alcoholic drinks.
10. While that painting is nice, nothing will fill the void that Todd left. You need to put yourself back out there, not all guys are like that.

Last night, former Vice-Mayor Jim Gray saw through on his promise to relocate the city’s Confederate statues, by burying them in a pre-dug hole in the heart of downtown Lexington. While Gray initially promised to bring the plans to move the confederate statues before the City Council on Tuesday, he decided to take matters into his own hands when he remembered that city officials have already delayed the statues removal for years (for a list of all of the publicly elected members of the council that has delayed this vote and is responsible for any future votes on the issue click here). In light of recent events, many have come out supporting the mayor’s decision, however some that are often labeled as anti-equality, anti-american, and anti-dentist, still oppose the removal of confederate symbols.

Gray, leaning against a shovel in a three piece suit, pulled out a perfectly folded pocket square and dabbed it on his forehead as he explained, “Proceeding was the right thing to do. As public officials we need to stand up and speak out against hatred, or at least keep the hatred all in one place so we can make sure it doesn’t get out of hand. So why not put what many think of as symbols of hate, in a place that people have already hated for over a decade.”

The superhero in not-so-plain clothes continued, “I’ve buried these statues deep down in the earth, just like we bury our bad memories deep down inside ourselves and never speak of them again.”

While burying sadness deep within your soul might not help your mental health, Gray is confident he made the right decision for the City’s well-being, “I think it’s a fair compromise, we kept the statues downtown like we promised, and people were already flicking off the construction site, so it seemed like a natural location.”

Gray patted the earth beneath his feet with the shovel, careful not to get any of the dirt on his finely pressed suit, pulled up his pants by the waist, displaying a beautiful braided belt and said, “Some say the south will rise again, I’m guessing it’ll probably be right around the same time Centrepointe is actually completed. So to those of you wanting to visit, I promise you can see them, whenever they finish building those elevators.”

Recent political promises of unleashing both “fire and fury” on North Korea in an attempt to deter them from conducting any military strikes against the US in the near future, has put a real damper on summer fun this week.

However, event organizers with Crave Food + Music Festival are hoping Lexington will dance away their fears to the sounds of 11 different bands, and stock up on potential bunker goods from some of over 50 food trucks.

“Sure greed and fear of impending nuclear war plagued the 1980s but things have changed drastically,” explained event organizer Janet Carter. “For instance, one thing the cold war was missing was friendly neighbors brewing and serving ice cold craft beer. Back then families were fearing for their future, rather than enjoying the now.”

Carter, with a joyful hopefulness we should all try and find within ourselves said, “Just try and tell me you’re worried about the wonderful world we live in disappearing like sand through your fingers, when you’re hopping around in a bounce house, or getting live cooking lessons from local celebrity chefs!”

With a glimmer in her eye, and an unwavering happiness in her voice she added, “It can be hard to live up the summer fun while knowing a nuclear winter is coming but by golly we’re gonna try.”