32-year-old Ken Blevins wasn’t expecting his afternoon trip to the arboretum to turn into a 3-day quest for survival but that’s what happened. “I kept to the trails at first but I just felt like I was going in circles,” says Blevins. “The first night was the worst. I’m not used to it getting so dark out. Used to the city lights. I tried calling for help but all I heard back was the cold wind of mother natures indifference.”

“I remember him yelling ‘Help! Is there anybody out there?'” says Rose Oldlady. Her house borders the arboretum. “I just figured it was some kid on drugs. It’s not like I haven’t had a bad trip before. Once you hit that wave you just gotta ride it out till it peaks.”

Blevins anxiety grew into the night. “I tried to count my steps back on my Fitbit but those screens are hard to see in the dark. After I woke up that morning I knew my only chance of being rescued would come from within. I realized if I was going to survive I had to go feral.”

“I was almost done with my second lap when I saw him.” Says Courtney Spaulding. “It looked like someone had dropped a bag of crackers on the track and this guy was hunched over it, sniffing at it. He turned around and started hissing at me. Then he picked up the remains of the bag in his teeth and crawled into the woods.”

“Those were my son’s goldfish crackers,” says Lawrence Williams. “His favorite snack.” William’s family goes to the Arboretum most Saturdays. “We were on the walking track when this guy came out of the woods barking and clapping two tree branches together. Scared the beejezus out of us.”

Authorities were finally called after a home owner found their Pomeranian in their backyard trapped inside a wooden cage Blevins had made. Authorities finally located Blevins leaning up against a water fountain, drinking a bottle of his own urine.

Blevin’s family has planned a welcome home celebration this weekend at Jacobson Park. “This time I’m bringing a compass.” Says Blevins.

Anytime travelers venture to areas outside of Man O’ War, they may often face health issues they wouldn’t ordinarily experience here at home. According to The Lexington Center For Disease Control & Prevention Of Clark Clark County Population Increases, or LCDCPCCCPI for short, you should schedule a visit to your doctor or friend that sells essential oils 4 to 6 weeks before travelling extended distances to protect yourself from diseases that routinely occur in other parts of the world that we may not be accustomed to.

“The Beer Cheese Festival, the Ale-8 factory, and Lee Cruse’s Personal Menagerie Of Puppets Museum are the only 3 reasons we ever get visitors here,” explained Winchester Tourism Czar and Clark County Magistrate William “Bug Juice” Combs. “I dunno what y’all got out there in terms of disease, so here in Winchester we’ve been getting boosters since March. Which coincidentally would probably be a much better time of year for all of us to be eatin’ cheese outside, but I digest.”

He stopped there, we thought he was going to continue as if he had another thought that would wrap up his explanation, but it seems digest was actually the word he meant to say.

Travelers from as far as Mt. Sterling are expected to attend this year’s Beer Cheese Festival, and visitors should remember while in Clark County remember to always wash your hands before handling any cheese and boil any Ale-8 you receive that doesn’t come in a sealed bottle.

Whether widening or narrowing roadways or building and imploding existing structures, Lexington has started this year’s annual Downtown Summer-Long Construction Series. In what has become a staple in the pages of Lexington’s biography, it seems that construction based traffic delays have already reached Act 2 as June began with a flurry of projects.

Some say too many. “Look, we’ve got all our construction crews working on projects that are meant to disrupt traffic all summer, and through a scheduling oversight we’ve just plumb run out of cones,” exclaimed future former Mayor Jim Gray.

“I hate to do this already, but I’m asking those in Frankfort to treat us like you’d treat a turtle needin’ to get on top of a fencepost and give us a little help,” pleaded Gray at a recently delayed press conference.

Downtown Lexington is currently juggling over 87 different construction projects. Once Centrepointe was filled in, the city began searching for a new hole to fill the hole Centrepointe (City Center) left in our hearts.

The projects range in scope and in need. Just this afternoon a construction group won a bid to stand around staring upwards on the corner of Broadway and Main. While, just a few blocks away, Infinite Developers advertise that they’re still looking for crews to assist with a project that requires 4 people to eat bags of Arby’s inside of a crudely carved out hole in the middle of Upper Street. A representative said, “Show us you can wipe your forehead like you just got done doing something before this group of commuters showed up, and you could start today.”

Gray explained that all donated cones will be put to good use, preventing motorists from making timely commutes, and will help with the summer’s largest city project which involves the construction of a new housing development just for commuters that plan to be stuck on Newtown Pike for the foreseeable future.

This year’s Red White & Boom music festival will take place in Rupp Arena during the very patriotic month of . . . September. Festival scheduler Paula Waters admitted today that she may have made a mistake. “For some reason, I thought the white referred to Labor Day,” she wrote on her daughter’s Facebook comment.

Waters has made the exact same mistake every year since 2014, which was the last time the Red White & Boom festival actually happened around the Fourth of July. The Red White & Boom planning committee had no comment on being asked why they hadn’t maybe shuffled her position, or put someone with a working calendar on their smartphone in charge.

Some theorize that it is more than a recurring error. “I think something happened that year [2014] that lead them to have to change. There was a lot of weird stuff going on around then,” said public access television viewer Bill E. Guthrie. “Jamie Lynn Spears was there. And she hasn’t been seen since.”

More than just the season of the festival has changed. This is the first year that Red White & Boom won’t be at Whitaker Ball Park. The planning committee did respond to our question about why the festival has been moved indoors to Rupp Arena. “It’s in September, y’all,” they wrote in a totally professional statement, “if we wanted to be able to do it outside we’d have it July or something.”

They also mentioned that, since the event will be indoors this year, the fireworks will be on the honor system.

However, the festival might still be worth attending for country music fans, even if at an incomprehensible time of year. Officer Don announced the lineup today because he not only wants to report on traffic, he wants to tease future bad traffic to come. A sigh of relief was heard when, after 14 artists no one has heard of were listed, Toby Keith was finally announced. It was the first time anyone ever said, “Well, at least Toby Keith will be there.”

Festival legal counsel Darryl Isaacs said they were contractually obligated to have Mr. Keith because they have both red and white in the name of the festival. “If you have over 2/3rds of the American colors, you have to have Toby Keith. That’s the 30th Amendment.”

The hit cooking show Top Chef is currently being filmed in Kentucky and today the cast and crew paid a visit to the Applebee’s on Nicholasville Road. “Lexington is doing a lot of interesting things with their food culture,” said food critic Francine Forte, “and one of them is still treating Applebee’s as a real dining option.”

Top Chef producer Debora Dunkinsten explained that Lexington was an obvious second choice city to film in after Louisville, as if we haven’t heard that before. “Travel and Leisure recently touted the city as having one of the most exciting culinary scenes in the country, which isn’t easy to achieve for a city without a Medieval Times.”

The Top Chef contestants took a tour of Applebee’s during lunch hour. They were reportedly surprised at how few people were there. Head cook Billie Prentiss walked them through the kitchen with a half-smoked cigarette stuck in his hairnet. “The city itself has a unique flavor all its own. Lexington is a mélange of traditional authentic cuisines and punk rock boiling together in a big burgoo pot of southern charm and bourbon. It’s this sort of welcoming of culture, sound, smells, and art that allows the city to dare enough to dream of having not one but two Chuy’s locations.”

The cook pulled out his phone and began to read off a recipe that he found on Bing. “This recipe has been passed down generation after generation. It starts off with a splash of limestone water and the zest of the bluegrass of a nearby horse farm. From these humble beginnings it finishes off the only way we know how, and that’s in the microwave, to achieve our signature sort of burned during the reheating process riblets flavor.”

Top Chef judge Tom Colicchio took aside a producer and asked them if they were getting canceled or why else were they in Kentucky.

The contestants competed for the next fifteen minutes to cook a somewhat edible dish, which is about half the time and twice the effort that Applebee’s usually takes.