Resident’s of Lexington’s Chevy Chase neighborhood are already up in arms at the prospect of budget cuts impacting their annual Fletch Parade. Lexington’s French Quarter (the part of the street right outside Bourbon n’ Toulouse) has hosted the traditional parade since 1986.

Every year, residents celebrate the film about an undercover newspaper reporter by lining the streets of Chevy Chase dressed in their favorite Fletch disguise and cheer as the parade passes them by. “I’m excited to see the lead float,” said one annual parade goer in reference to the giant paper mache Chevy Chase head that leads the parade. “Every year it gets bigger and bigger, just like the real Chevy Chase’s head.”

Not everyone is loves the parade just for the festivities. “I like going to meet girls, there’s a lot of Chevy Chasers there,” said a be speckled man with graying hair. A suburban dictionary search tells us that a ‘chevy chaser’ is a woman who is being shamed because she is into guys that look like Chevy Chase.

“I just really love Fletch, it’s so funny, just the idea that a person could make a living as a newspaper reporter. It’s just a good concept,” said one resident. “It’s not just Fletch though, I live in this neighborhood because I love all of Chevy’s work. He’s like if Bill Murray were a jerk. If they take this parade away from us, I don’t know man, I guess I’ll move somewhere named after my second favorite amigo, as soon as they get Martin county all fixed up.”

Last year LeGarrett Blount and Chris Long celebrated a Super Bowl victory as members of the New England Patriots and this year they celebrated as Philadelphia Eagles, but one man was able to celebrate big wins in both years despite not playing for either team: Darryl Isaacs. For the second year in a row, Darryl, and theoretically some other unnamed Isaacs, managed to win the best Super Bowl advertisement of the night.

“If they keep this up, they’ll have to name the trophy after me,” said a champagne-soaked Darryl Isaacs as he stood on top of a bench in his law office’s locker room. “First and foremost I want to thank God, and surprisingly I’d like to thank the insurance companies. Because without them, I’d have no one left to fight.”

Last night marked the debut of Isaacs’ newest triumphant commercial, one which placed Isaacs in the setting of cable program Game of Thrones. In the commercial we see Isaacs outfitted in a beautifully ornate black bodice as he rides a dragon, which eventually spits out a firey hammer at an orc’s little finger. “This ad is really just a glimpse at my 9 book Hammer of Souls fantasy series. It’s the first part of 3 linking trilogies, where our hero Darryl battles against the dark wizard, Mesoth of Lioma,” explained Isaacs as he pointed to what he claims is a close to completion sequel, The Wizard’s Verdict. However, to the rest of us in the room, it just looked like a stack of yellow legal pads with hand drawn pictures of dragons on them.

Isaacs, who inexplicably put on some sort of sailor’s captain hat, continued with the plot synopsis, “You see, the lead character, Darryl Targaryen ‘Mother Of Draggin’ Insurance Companies To Court’, soars across the 7 Kingdoms of Lexington, finding insurance companies that never pay their debts. As we all know, the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword, but Darryl isn’t always available to handle every case. So that’s where the story branches off featuring other attorneys from my offices who happily serve the King of the North, Brian Station.”

The office’s website has been updated to embrace the 9 part series with several new links on the homepage, including one section that may be too specific, “Were you injured by a petulant boy king through no fault of your own?”

For the evening Isaacs will play the hero as he celebrates his much deserved win, and hopefully somewhere out there the commercial’s unsung hero is celebrating as well.  While he only appeared on camera for a brief moment, 75% of the commercial’s budget was inexplicably spent on the world’s greatest Keenan Thompson lookalike.

Pennsylvania may have the most famous groundhog but that doesn’t make it any less of a holiday for other groundhogs across the country. But a Lexington groundhog took his celebrations a little too far last night at Two Keys Tavern.

“This is our St. Paddy’s day,” said the groundhog, ordering the first two shots on his tab that would remain open the rest of the night. “Shots on me!”

He then sat alone at the bar swiping left on Hogger, the groundhog dating app. It became clear that he was being stood up. “He kept ordering drinks two at a time,” says bartender Jessica Bluth. “I had to keep telling him to turn off the music on his phone. I like Tears for Fears too but we’re not a karaoke bar.”

The groundhog was soon on the dance floor slurring the lyrics to Kenny Loggins “I’m Alright” which wasn’t the song that was actually playing. Upon getting to the line of the song “Ain’t nobody worried about me” he realized nobody really is and he started to cry.

Instagram videos from several accounts taken at the bar also show the groundhog splashing around the urinal trough in the men’s room. He was apparently so inebriated he thought it was a fresh water stream before realizing his mistake. “What the hell? Is this piss!” he shouted. “Are you all filming this? What the (expletive) Marshall! What the (expletive)!”

The groundhog ordered a salad from Goodfellas to try and sober up. “More Ranch!” he ordered, slurping the plastic dressing cup. His last mistake was putting a claw on a sorority gal who mistook the ranch smeared on his face for a symptom of rabies. Very drunk herself, she tried to Snapchat Animal Control.

“You guys wanna help me find some beaver?” asked the groundhog, letting out a boozy laugh, while being restrained by Animal Control agents. He persisted to taunt the officers. “You guys know who my dad is? Maybe you’ve heard of Punxsutawny Phil! He wears a top hat! You guys couldn’t even afford it.” They decided to release him to his home instead of putting him in a cage for the night.

While pulling up to his address in their squad car, they spotted a hungover UK sophmore puking into the groundhog’s hole in his yard on State St.

A LaRosa’s Pizzeria is set to open next to Skyline Chili on Richmond Road and cement stage two of Cincinnati’s plan to annex Lexington and rebrand it Little Cincinnati. Neither city has officially acknowledged the existence of this takeover scheme, but an anonymous source who agreed to speak only off the record said, “It’s plain as the chili in their bowls.”

“Little Cincinnati will expand Lexington’s foodie culture with our exotic cuisines,” said developer and restaurateur Thomas Rivers, apparently unware that only people from Cincinnati think Cincinnati is known for their pizza and/or chili.

“It’s like spaghetti for cowboys, right?” said a man in a Big Blue Nation hoodie, when asked about the cuisine.

Some locals might be more informed about chili but that does not mean they are not conflicted about the Ohio invasion. “A lot of families moved here after they were displaced and settled in,” said Patchen Apartments resident Kiri McDonnell. “I love their culture and their cuisine but it’s hard to understand their language. I wish they’d learn ours.”

Migrants from Cincinnati are more excited than wary about the flood of new restaurants. “Cincinnati has a rich culture and we’re just trying to recreate that here,” said Will Caldwell. “The gas stations, the chili, it all really makes me feel like I’m back home.”

Food isn’t the only business moving south from the river. “I love how the prints of their fabrics are inspired by nature’s own designs,” said a women fondling a Bengals jersey.

It’s not just the gastronomy and fashion of Cincinnati that is on the move. There are plans to build a large riverboat casino in the Lexington Green Pond but because of Kentucky’s gambling laws people would only be able to wager monopoly money on games like ‘I’m thinking of a number.’

Skyline Chili manager Terry Hurtz denied the existence of a Cincinnati conspiracy. Then he put the finishing touches on the embalmed corpse of Harambe on display in the window.

A fight at the Fayette Mall over the weekend made headlines and today two of the teens involved will appear before the Food Court facing charges of disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace and three counts of underage consumption of free bourbon chicken samples. Judge Tony Sbarro presided over the proceedings.

Before the trial began a voice came over the food court intercom to announce “the quesos are real, the pizzas are real, the rulings are final.” The two defendants were then brought out from the holding cell in that weird hallway next to Great American Cookies where they had been held over the weekend in contempt of Food Court. They were sworn in on a stack of Spencer’s gift cards and then the trial was underway.

The attorneys for both sides gave their opening statements but had to keep pausing during the hearing to take bites out of their Subway sandwiches. Throughout the trial the bailiff continually interrupted both the prosecution and the defense by to welcoming people to Moe’s.

After the evidence had been presented the judge held up the loose hide of a Build-A-Bear that one of the kids had filled with chocolate covered gummy bears. “I have never seen such gratuitous disregard for another creature’s dignity in all my years of food court.”

The teens were found guilty but were given leniency since the 30 friends that accompanied them to the mall was “the most we’ve seen in the post-summit era.” They were sentenced to two weeks of having to show up early and do laps with those weird people that walk in the mall for exercise early on weekdays.