With recent mayoral candidate announcements registering an all-time low on the boredom scale, The Summit at Fritz Farm has decided to make an exciting revelation concerning the future of our city. Reginald Calloway, The Summit at Fritz Farm’s PR director and lead valet, announced on a pile of discarded artisan popsicle sticks that their lucky 10,000th customer will be sworn in as Mayor of Lexington. Calloway added, “Which for them will likely add another accomplishment to what we would assume has already been a lifetime full of good fortune.”

Calloway continued, as he shook a popsicle stick loose from the bottom of his $400 urban bootwear, “Whether our well-to-do client base are here to buy clothing for adventures on or near a boat, or just to grab a snack at one of restaurants we like to describe as ‘a more expensive Applebee’s’, they’ve probably served this community on some sort of budget committee before. If not, I’m certain they’d at least be familiar with enough political buzzwords that they can serve the office capably. Until, we, as a city, can find a former celebrity to fill the role in a more permanent fashion.”

Future former Vice Mayor Steve Kay has been spotted at Shake Shack once a day for the last month, but when asked if he wasn’t trying too hard to become the 10,000th customer, he said he wasn’t even aware that was the only way to get to be mayor. “I like milkshakes,” Kay said, “this one has chocolate.”

While most of the city was hopeful that Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes would take over the office of Mayor, she’s declined to run in order to make sure The Summit’s plan for the future of the city passes through all the legal loopholes an election is set up to confuse normal people with. “We’re not sure what Bonobos’ sells, but hopefully the 10,000th customer won’t come from there,” said Grimes. “The last thing the Commonwealth needs is another elected official with a penchant for overly sexualized chimpanzees.”

It was announced Friday evening that since a new budget had not been passed the federal government would be shutting down. The news understandably hit some government employees very hard as they are unsure if and when they will resume getting paychecks. However, Kentucky Congressman Andy Barr also seems to be distressed about the shutdown, but for a slightly different reason.

“I took a vacation day,” Barr said. “I took a vacation day today and then the government shuts down. I would’ve been off work anyway and now they won’t let me get that vacation day back. I sent Mitch McConnell an email asking for some leniency here. I mean, no one’s coming in, just because I already had it scheduled on the vacation calendar that means it’s set in stone?”

Things went from bad to worse for Barr when he found out the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum was closed. “Fine, Mitch won’t give me my vacation day back. Rand Paul wouldn’t write me an eye doctor’s note so I could switch it to a sick day. Whatever, I just moved on and went ahead with my day off. I was gonna visit the Air and Space Museum but I show up and they are closed! What are the odds of that?!”

An angry Andy Barr spent the rest of the day firing off emails to other representatives asking why no one had warned him about the shutdown. As of press time no one had responded to his emails.

The recent announcement of changes to Medicaid requirements caught many Kentucky residents off guard. Even more unexpected was what Governor Matt Bevin was seen doing at the Kroger on Tates Creek Road. Standing at the head of the line at the Kroger pharmacy, Bevin was checking insurance cards for the blood pressure machine.

“Second visit this week,” the governor said as he examined the medicaid card of local widow Betty Basquiet. “Are those hot pockets in your cart? I thought we talked about more produce last week. Back of the line.” The governor’s goons put a hand on either side of her walker and then they escorted her past the decongestants.

“We just wanna make sure that everyone here has a right to be here,” said the governor. Pointing towards the blood pressure machine, he added, “We can’t keep giving people these socialist hand outs.”

He assured the folks in line that their Kroger points could be used towards their copay. “Gift cards will still get you double fuel points but won’t count towards your deductible.”

The line stopped only twice. Once the governor headed off a single mother shopping with her three children who he spotted near the oral care aisle. He let out a sigh of relief when the family left with their toothpaste. The second time Bevin put up an “Out to Lunch” sign on the seat of the machine and then he picked apart an entire rotisserie chicken.

After lunch, Bevin was seen personally escorting a 25-year-old out the building. “But I still have one more year on my parents’ plan,” the young man argued.

Bevin shook his head. “Not on my watch. You need to start preparing for the future.”

“I am the future!” said the young man.

“Not anymore.” said the governor, as the sliding doors rolled shut. “Customers only.”

Before his lengthy resignation, former House Speaker Jeff Hoover had laid out a exhaustive 60-page agenda which planned to take advantage of a Republican controlled floor. The well mapped out plan was highlighted by the preparation of a new state budget that would decide the fate of government pensions, but also included infrastructure examinations, and some other boring stuff that included words like tax code. However, the former speaker bolded his agenda’s largest goal: “Talk About The Hoover. What he’s doing, what he’s thinking, what he’s eating. Keep those Hooverites across the commonwealth fed, with deep fried nuggets of truth bout the Hoov.”

Hoover planned for the House to spend most of January discussing how his Christmas break went. “I got a ski-doo and a Nintendo switch, but it didn’t stop there.” Hoover became overcome with excitement before an assistant handed him a glass of water, which he drank entirely too fast before wiping his face with the sleeve of his blazer, and continued to name gifts he had received from “The Real Santa”.

“What I didn’t want the house to discuss this session is boring old politics stuff. So I tried to save that for the end, if we had to do it. Also no one was allowed to talk about how much I look like a catfish, that’s off limits,” explained Hoover, who, we hadn’t realized until he brought it up, did in fact have an uncanny resemblance to some sort of cartoonish magical talking catfish that we couldn’t quite place.

Since Hoover’s resignation the House has discussed little else other than the former speaker. “So far, so good,” said Hoover, “3 days in, and it’s been non-stop Hoov, but there’s still two days left this week before the long weekend, so I’m hoping we can keep this going.”