A group of traveling executives from a distribution company outside of Chicago got lost on the bourbon trail and ended up at the JIF peanut butter plant. The troop, already weighed down with tote bags from Buffalo Trace and Woodford Reserve were too drunk to realize their mistake.

The grown men all identical in cargo shorts and lanyard sunglasses wobbled around the factory stopping to make observations about the craft of distillation.

“This sort of has a nutty flavor. Is that from the oak barrels?” asked one of the idiots. “Nothing like warming up over a fresh batch of sour mash,” said Senior Executive Phillip Kettleman as he spread his hands over a thousand gallon tank of roasted peanuts.

30 year JIF technician, Rupert Krakatoa wasn’t too put off by the invasion. “It’s not like I’ve never gotten drunk from a peanut butter jar.”

“This was President Jimmy Carters favorite drink.” Rupert explained to another one of the morons. “Would you like it on the rocks or neat?” he said gesturing at the Creamy or Crunchy jars.

The Vice President of the group was seen in the break room asking where he could find some club soda, furiously shaking a jar of JIF over a highball glass. Security at the plant narrowly avoided a complete shutdown by tackling one of the men who was about to pour a two liter of Diet Coke into a finished batch. “Anybody got a swizzle stick?” he yelled before impact.

They were all finally corralled out of the plant where they asked their Uber driver if they could finish their drinks in the car. All of the fools held up their cocktails garnished with celery sticks and raisins. “To George Washington Carver! Here! Here!”

Flood waters weren’t the only things that rose over the weekend. Ticket prices at the Ark Encounter in Grant County rose to $50. Ten dollars more than the usual $40 standard day pass.

The park’s website is also offering a new 40-day pass they are calling the ultimate Noah experience. For $3,000 thrill seeking home-schoolers can spend the same time spent in the ark as the Bible says Noah and his family did. “It’ll be like our apocalypse drills we practice at home,” says 13 yr old Elijah Macabee.

The 40-day pass includes “Cruise Ship Quality” meals. “Experience the flood the way God intended. With Style!” The ad goes on to say.

“Expect plenty of seafood,” says park founder Ken Ham, as he tosses another shrimp on a barbecue grill. We are in a corner of the Ark that houses animals specific to Ham’s native Australia. Pens are filled with Kangaroos, Koalas and the worlds most poisonous snakes. “Foster’s?” Ham offers a can of the Aussie beer to us as he slices the lid off of his own with the blade of an oversize bowie knife.

He tells us that much of the food will be catered in from Florence’s Outback Steakhouse. “The Applebees of Oceania.”

Many are appalled by the park’s price gouging while an actual flood is overtaking parts of the state it chose to call home. What is the reasoning behind the rising ticket prices?

“Blokes come in. Blokes go out. What can ya do?” is Ham’s response after swallowing a frothy gulp of Fosters. “Just grab another prawn off the sizzler.” Ham motions towards the shrimp on the grill.

“We’ll also have plenty of games for kids.” He explains that ‘Throw another shrimp on the barbie’ is not a reference to grilling. “It’s a game we have in Australia. Children get a bucket full of shrimp they toss at a wall of barbie dolls. Whoever knocks down the most barbies takes home the shrimp. We can charge about $15 a bucket. Unseasoned. $20 if you want them grilled and blackened.”

If you can’t afford the ticket price during the flooding or a life jacket Mr. Ham suggests grabbing the neck of a giraffe.

Many remember its demolition last year during the city’s historically hard fought Volleyball Wars but Marikka’s Restaurant & Bier Stube has been rebuilt bigger and more volleyballer than ever and is ready to reopen at any moment. However, they have to wait for the green light from Lexington’s city council before reopening. “We’re way over our restaurant/beer garden quota right now, which we realize is unfair to Marikka’s who technically were the first to do both in town after the Sir Pizza that was there in 1991 was famously debased,” explained Fayette County’s Restaurant Czar Molly Phoudcorte.

She explained, “It’s really a matter of minutes until a couple more close. For example, we closed down the good Applebee’s (TGI Fridays) but we still have two normal Applebee’s operating here in town.”

Marikka’s new building will feature 6 volleyball courts, over 25,000 square feet of space, and a selection topping over 1,000 different beers to offer customers before they ultimately just decide to get a pitcher of Bud Light.

Many former Marikka’s customers have fond memories of the previous building, some with their names emboldened on the Hall of Fame above the dart boards. “I can’t wait to get back to not talking to girls there,” said one nervous Marikka’s Hall of Famer we spoke to who happened to just be standing outside of that auto place with the old 76 sign.

“I love this place as much as Germans love volleyball,” said pretty much everyone in town as we anxiously await its grand reopening.

Some 4,947 Cardinals fans entered their Mt. Washington conclave to elect a new Pope of Bullitt County yesterday. Mt. Washington, known for its dew, is also the home of Bullitt County’s official voting results chimney.

White smoke bloomed out at approximately 7:08 pm announcing to the world that Bullitt County had found their new pope. Former Price Is Right contestant and current Mayor Tim Slate explained, “Typically you’ll only see a lot of black smoke billowing out of this region, which has no real meaning other than someone gave up on retreading a tire, but today the smoke announces to the world, ‘Sorry about before!’”

The winner of the election is former educator Linda Belcher, which is in fact her real name and not something hilarious that we made up. She received the in-no-way mandatory two thirds majority vote to represent Bullitt County as pope and representative in the state’s General Assembly. Her duties include standard papal duties, in addition to making sure the state never approves a budget.

The white smoke announcing Bullitt County’s election results was seen around the world for the first time, although it’s hardly the first time for the community. Historically speaking, in order to produce the white smoke signifying the completion of the vote, Bullitt County has always used a glass pipe that was intended for “tobacco use only” that one resident who just goes by Darryl purchased in Daytona Beach. However, to announce the election results this time around, Mt. Washington updated their practice and now blows those sweet, sweet cotton clouds using an auxiliary smoke-emitting device provided by Vapal Infallibility, which is well known regionally for being consistently ranked in the top 20 vape shops of northeast Bullitt County.

As to how residents get the smoke from the chimney to billow out in Winter X Games white, it is hardly a secret. Slate told us, “You just wad up a Mountain Dew bottle wrapper and toss it on the fire.”

The new pope will be given the ceremonial extra tall trucker hat and will give all future speeches hanging out of their window.