Results from a recent market analysis show Lexington is in desperate need of more cell phone case options, and it just makes sense to offer them to people who for some reason are at the mall. Fayette Mall, Lexington’s longstanding marketplace for people that have never heard of the internet, has been a leading retailer of mobile accessories dating back to the days of such retail stalwarts as Car-Phone Bag Warehouse and Beep Outfitters. However, recently their star has faded behind other brightly shining retail centers in the overpriced shopping corridor of Nicholasville and Man O’ War.

“We do feel the main reason we’re not competitive is the lack of cell phone cover options. Currently, we only have 5 stores dedicated to exclusively selling cell phone accessories, at an unreasonable price point. Additionally, we only see 70% of other retailers offering them on some sort of weirdly out of place display rack by the register, and those numbers need improving,” explained Fayette Mall’s Assistant Cell Phone Accessory Strategist, Stella Casebrough.

“Marketplace needs should influence marketplace deeds, but right now we’re only able to offer leases,” added Casebrough, “but we are willing to be flexible, like this beautiful softback Otterbox insert.”

“We’re still getting a lot of potential customers walking around in the mall that are in our target market, but they’re also in Target’s target and Target is right next door and has much cheaper versions of the cell phone accessories we offer here.”

“Since Al Gore invented the smartphone, malls have been measured by how many cell phone case providers you have and how much cologne those providers have on,” Casebrough looked as though she was about to sneeze, “and thankfully, by that metric, we’re crushing The Summit.”

After nearly 30 years reporting on sports in Lexington, WLEX’s Alan Cutler announced he would be retiring after this upcoming Kentucky Derby. However, it doesn’t sound like Cutler will be taking any time to rest after retirement as he plans to ramp up his already profitable side hustle, selling Thirty-One bags.

“I’ve been putting out feelers around the station,” Cutler said. “I’m having my first ‘Thirty-One’ party the day after I hang it up here. With Mother’s Day creeping in on the heels of my retirement, who could say no to a perfect sales-tunity?”

“What do you mean you’ve got no use for a bag?” Cutler shouts at Lee Cruse as he walks away, having just returned the clip art-laden invite Cutler had designed and printed. “You just plan on carrying all your swim stuff in a towel, Lee? I thought you had like 8 jobs? I think you can afford to look like you didn’t borrow $4 to get into the Shillito Park Pool.”

“Claire Crouch hasn’t bought one yet but I got a soft yes from her on the invite,” Cutler concluded, ever optimistic about this new venture. “Sometimes, business can go TOO well. Tom Ackerman keeps buying every item I bring in here and he refuses to tell me why or what he is doing with them.”

“I don’t have to answer your questions,” Ackerman said when we asked what he was doing with the bags.

“Look, for 30 years I poured myself into covering sports for this town and I feel like I did a pretty good job. Now, I’m changing direction and I’m going all in on this venture,” Cutler said, tears beginning to well up in his mustache. He then held up a blue and white checkerboard tote and said, “Do I have the bag for you? Totes. Larry Vaught views this bag as a must-own.”

Lexington Humane Society has a new partner and some might say it’s a match made in heaven. The Ark Encounter is starting to disperse some of its animals in a new adoption program.

We spoke with Ark founder and voice of Covington’s Outback Steakhouse, Ken Ham.

“In trying to keep with biblical authenticity none of our pets were fixed since they would have to repopulate the world after the flood.”

That flood never came. But now it’s raining cats and dogs off the side of the Ark as they are overrun with them.

“Since none of them were spayed or neutered we tried to teach them an abstinence-only education. But, as we all know by now, ‘Life Finds a Way’.”

We asked if that was a biblical quote.

“Jurrasic Park,” Ham answered.

“The Humane Society Fosters these animals before they find permanent homes.” Ham paused to swallow a sip from an over-sized beer mug. “Fosters is Australian for ‘giving temporary homes’.”

“We are excited about the new program,” said Allison Dean with the Humane Society. “Some of these are a little more exotic than what we normally take in. Dealing with their habits has been an adjustment. Like the giant sloth that keeps leaving religious tracts in our bathroom.”

“The raptor they sent was a surprise since we thought those were animatronic.” She opens a curtain that covered a window looking out to a goat chained to a pole. “Feeding time.”

“Some even have emotional needs that we weren’t quite prepared for, like Sheila.” She points to a camel wearing a purple blanket and a crown. “She starred in a lot of Nativity Scenes before the Ark. Made her a bit of a diva. How are the oats today, Sheila?”

The camel sighs.

Back at the Ark, Ken Ham is excited about the opportunities this gives to the animals.

“Just a great reminder of the opportunities God gives to all his creatures.”

As we talked, Mr. Ham swatted and killed a mosquito that landed on his neck.

“Crikey! You see the size of that? Big bugger!” He showed us his palm. “Look at the mess it left on my hand.”

Just shy of a decade CentrePointe is finished. Wait, to be clear, we mean finished as in gone, not complete. In an attempt to distance itself from a project doomed from the start, Centrepointe has changed its name to City Center just before it enters into its final decade of construction.

Yesterday, in a small private ceremony, friends, family, and a former vice mayor said goodbye to the construction project that had become part of the family. “Just like if your family has an uncle you gave too many chances to and now you’re not allowed to talk about anymore, CentrePointe was part of Lexington’s family,” Jim Gray said before wiping a tear from his cheek and adjusting his braided belt.

Emotions were mixed at the event, as the day was filled with excitement for what’s promised, as well as a somber goodbye to what we’ve previously known. Gray, a noted development critic on Yelp, explained that while today is a milestone in the city’s history he is ecstatic about the change. “I think the name change is smart. It’s not uncommon to see failed projects change their brand, just like the Soviet Union or Time Warner Cable. Who knows, maybe when the project is finished we’ll get lucky and they’ll change the name to a symbol a la mid 90’s Prince.”

The development project formerly known as Centrepointe “died as it lived – unfinished. No matter what the mainstream media says about it.”

This weekend, Louisville kicks off its Derby festivities with North America’s largest fireworks show, Thunder Over Louisville – North America’s largest firework show… until now, claims former vice mayor Jim Gray.

While Gray and other congressional hopefuls failed to produce any fireworks during last night’s Democratic debate, Gray has assured us that this weekend’s show will not lack for explosive content.

The future former congressional candidate has spent the last few days driving back and forth between Lexington and the Tennessee border where they “keep the good ones.” Gray said he had secured “like 60 Roman Candles and a couple of packs of M90’s.” Gray says he wants the night sky to be lit up like the couches of old.

When asked about the comparison between his ‘Thunder Over Lexington’ and Louisville’s annual show, Gray said, “Biggest firework show is a bit subjective. Do they have more fireworks? Sure. But will they have a guy on a 30 story scaffolding lift strategically lighting off roman candles as sparklers rain down from the project previously known as CentrePointe’s cranes? Doubtful.”

The announcement that Lee Cruse and Hayley Harmon are leaving Lex18 Sunrise to focus on their midday show Live with Lee & Hayley has Lex18 Meteorologist Bill Meck pushing for his own spin-off, too.

“It’s just not fair,” Meck said. “I’ve been here the longest and I feel like I’ve been passed up.” He ignored us when we pointed out that actually, Lee Cruse has been on Lex18 longer than he’s been.

“I was the older brother, Michael,” Meck told the station manager who, oddly enough, is not named Michael. Then he went to inspect his green screen for imperfections.

“Bill started calling me that and it would have been weird to correct him after the first week went by of me not saying anything,” said that guy who to be fair does look like a Michael.

Once Meck returned, Michael or whatever his name is explained that Lee and Hailey aren’t getting a spin-off. “It’s a shift change, that’s it. Between you and me, we’ve been noticing some cash shortages in the afternoon and we’re trying to narrow down the suspects.”

The meteorologist is very excited about the possibility of hosting his own show but was quick to point out he wanted it to be about more than the weather. “I need to diversify my range,” Meck said. “For instance, I’ve always wanted to try my hand at sketch comedy.” He showed us a script titled “Snow in April is Funny, Right?”

The station manager who might not be named Michael but whose name definitely looks like it starts with an M said that Lex18 is seriously considering Meck’s request but they just aren’t sure if it would work. “He wants a house band,” said M, “And not just any band. It’s Bill Meck’s band.”

“Bill Meck and the Rainmakers,” the meteorologist said when we asked him what the name of the group was. “We only play Creedence Clearwater Revival covers. Because rain is clear water and thunderstorms rock n’ roll.” Meck seemed unfazed and unconcerned when we asked him about the logistics of being the host and the band leader of his own show.

If Meck does get his own spin-off, he intends to ask Tom Ackerman to be his Ed McMahon/Andy Richter style sidekick. “I doubt he’ll take the job,” the meteorologist said. “I just want to savor the look on his face.”

Since the dawn of time, finding science in Winchester has been a difficult task and the world has been thankful that there was at least one scientific discovery in this city that time forgot. As ginger-soda scientists or fizzicists as they are more commonly known, once discovered something magically delicious by merging their “city” water and a sweet sugary syrup. However, for the last 92 years fizzicists have been hoping that liquid lightning would strike Clark County twice, in a place that otherwise only produces beer cheese and Lees.

Using carbonation dating scientists have been able to estimate Ale-One existed around 600 million years ago, and since then little advances have been made in the ginger-based soda sciences. That is until someone remembered that cherry sodas are good.

The discovery can be attributed to Winchester resident and former New Clear Fizzicist Professor at the nearby private research university MIT (Mount Sterling Institute Of Tonics) Hans Bethe Jr. We had a moment with the second most famous doctor in soda, and he explained that recently Ale-8 has started implementing research practices that allow scientists to add 2 or 3 additional ingredients to their soda reactor, in hopes of finally creating a delicious ginger-ale that tastes just as good out of a can as it does a bottle.

Bethe reminds us the importance of never giving up on your dreams, “Remember a couple years ago on Facebook, when everyone fu-beep-ing loved science? Well, thankfully science didn’t stop sciencing because being a nerd stopped being cool. It kept moving forward, trying to find new solutions to old problems.”

Cherry Ale-8 may not be the final answer we’ve all been looking for, but it’s a step in the right direction. That direction being an awesome new drink to pour bourbon into.