Last night, the Fayette County Coast Guard was seen searching for a man wearing Bermuda shorts who went missing off the curb of Triangle Park after trying to swim up the steps of the fountain.

Triangle Park has been no stranger to missing person reports over the last 5 years, so the coast guard arrived quickly to the scene to aid in the search. Shortly after their arrival, the coast guard completed a preliminary search of the park’s 360-foot cascading, tiered fountain, and then immediately called in for air support.

Officer Don and his super-rad helicopter were happy to accompany the standard water based search and rescue team. Officer Don’s helicopter mastery was on display above, as he deftly maneuvered his 0.69 ton Robinson R-22 Beta helicopter overhead, making sure his flight path never breached the park’s boundaries. This time it wasn’t to just show off, but rather to ensure that he himself didn’t succumb to the same fate of the man in Bermuda shorts.

Triangle Park, also referred to by locals as Devil’s Triangle, is notorious for its strange happenings.  Starting in February of 2012 Triangle Park official Geraldo Litera started to take notice of what can only be described as several “peculiar goings on” in the area. Litera admitted that as long as Triangle Park rangers can remember, bicycles parked in the area would be reported missing by their owners. Litera explained, “Look man, I’m telling you, no bike accidents were reported. People would park their bike you know, and then poof it just vanished.”

Unfortunately, according to Litera, the bikes were just the beginning.  “I didn’t start to notice any of the other missing connections until way later, but starting as far back as 2012 there was another pattern of even bigger things going missing.  No one seems to even notice that every November, we get some new hot shot down here that thinks it can’t happen to them.  They come in and claim they’ve made all the necessary precautions, but without fail, sometime between January and March, that ice rink they set up, goes missing.”

Witnesses were worried about the man in the Bermuda shorts, but many more were worried about their own future visits to the park.  One witness, Dudley Wright, some weirdo we met in the park, explained, “My daughter Amelia threw a paper plane over the park and it just disappeared, we still don’t know where it is.  Look, it could be anywhere. It could have gone into another dimension, or those people that collect all the cans downtown could’ve gotten it…their symbol is a triangle you know… yeah, it was probably the Aluminati.”

Paper Planes M.I.A.?  The Fayette County Coast Guard has heard it before.  Coast Guard Captain Frank Crunch told us, “Look whether or not that man actually had a daughter doesn’t matter.  We’re taking all missing reports seriously.”

As of press time, concerns over the missing person have escalated, and that has locals calling for new search practices.  Officer Don plans to launch an equilateral task force to investigate the disappearances, and he hopes the man in Bermuda shorts is just an isoscolated incident.

When Larry Donaldson got the news last month that he’d been selected as the winner of LEX 18’s “Celebrity Cruise Getaway” prize package,  he expected to set sail with some of Hollywood’s elite. However, in a cruel twist of fate, Larry later learned that his reward for winning the contest was, in fact, not an all-expenses-paid ocean cruise with celebrities, but instead, a fishing trip with local “celebrity” Lee Cruse.

Donaldson, 56, of Morehead, was given the devastating news by an LEX 18 intern after calling the station to ask if the cruise ship had a nude deck.

“I was definitely disappointed at first,” said Donaldson. “It felt like I’d been catfished by the news. But after I said some stuff I’m not very proud of to that intern, I decided to make the best of a bad situation and go on the fishing trip. Besides, the cash option was just yoga with Alan Cutler.”

The pair shoved off on their nautical excursion this past weekend at Jacobson Park, with LEX 18 providing $16 for a two-hour pedal boat ride and some of Chris Goodman’s fishing gear.

“I’ll be honest, it got a little crowded on the pedal boat between the two of us and Lee’s cooler of skin care products,” remarked Donaldson. “Also, I’m not sure why he felt the need to bring his leather jacket collection. Honestly, I didn’t even know they made leather life jackets.”

In fact, for the duration of the voyage, safety was paramount.  No fish were harmed though, not for lack of trying, but rather neither fisherman felt comfortable enough baiting their own hooks with live bait.  Cruse did have them pose with a wet Big Mouth Billy Bass though.

Donaldson was skeptical of the trip at first, but eventually let his guard down and managed to enjoy the two-hour tour.

“Lee just had a great attitude about being there, even though it was super early in the morning.”

Cruse explained that he enjoyed the trip as well.

“Our conversation started out a little choppy,  and to be honest, Lenny wasn’t pedaling fast enough for us to leave some of the park’s angry geese in our wake.  But once we got a rhythm going, we were in total,” Cruse paused as he pulled out some sunglasses from inside his leather life jacket and put them on, “…total Cruse control.”

By the end of the trip, Donaldson and Cruse had come close to bonding, and Larry was willing to admit he had a somewhat decent time.

“Lee kept calling me Lenny, but other than that, the trip exceeded my extremely low expectations. I told Lee I was a “big fan” of his radio show once he told me he had one.”

The parable of The Good Samaritan is a story that many people know, but not many people put the parable into practice. Among those ignoring the teaching this weekend was Broadway’s LED Walking Man, who continued on a leisurely stroll while completely ignoring a purse snatching in progress on the sidewalk right in front of him.

“I yelled for help, but he just kept on walking,” said purse snatching victim LeAnne Gregory. “It’s like he didn’t even care that it was a real Kate Spade.”

Police said they approached the Walking Man for questioning but he was extremely uncooperative.

“I tried to run the guy down to get a statement, but it was like he couldn’t be stopped,” said the Lexington police officer who responded to the scene. “I said ‘Hey get back here! Where do you think you’re going? Don’t walk away from me!’, but he just ignored me.”

One witness told us he doesn’t blame the Walking Man for not intervening.

“You can never be too careful these days,” said Omar Wilson, who saw the entire scene unfold from across the street. “Lexington is becoming more and more dangerous, and sometimes it’s smart to just keep walking when you start to see bad stuff go down. Plus, have you actually seen the guy? He has no feet. It’s amazing he walks so well in the first place. Also he wears a scarf. Nobody who wears a scarf in June is going to stop a purse snatching.”

We asked our legal expert, a guy who knows that lawyer guy from those dumb radio commercials, if the Walking Man could face any criminal charges for failing to provide assistance.

“They can try to convict him, but they’ve got no case. He’s gonna walk.”

The Fark Encounter, set to open June 9th, should be a wonderful tourist attraction that will teach Kentucky about how internet news works; that is, if its true intention of saving humanity from its wicked, wicked self falls through. Drew Curtis asked us to join him in the deepest part of the dark web (The Chevy Chase Inn) to explain why construction on information’s first life boat was immediately necessary.

Former gubanatorial candidate, fark.com founder, Lexington native, and all around internet expert Drew Curtis, explained why he was creating a huge ark in the middle of downtown’s biggest construction site.   Curtis began, “Basically a higher power instructed me to do it.  I was hanging out with Al Gore, listening to some early Genesis records, and big Al instructed me to build this boat.  He said it will save us all from the world’s second greatest evil, the mainstream media.”

Curtis continued speaking a lot like Keanu Reeves, but you know, if like, Keanu Reeves was a huge nerd, “In 7 days Al Gore will release a brand new, really long and boring documentary that will air on all mainstream media outlets. It will be about how evil the media is or something, I can’t really remember to be honest, his description kinda rambled on and on. But this revolutionary film will put an end to those large media conglomerates that control all of our information, just like his last documentary put an end to global warming.”

Since Curtis was put in charge of the project by Gore, he’s been preparing a list of what should go on the boat.  So far he’s decided on “reliable news sources,” like ourselves, “that will help shape the future of how we receive our news.  Oh and two copies of every animal meme.”  He explained that he couldn’t do it all on his own, and has asked for some assistance from the Lexington community to help reshape the future of news.

Curtis explained that he is worried about getting everything done in time for Al Gore’s pending flood of information.  “Look I’m saving the future, this isn’t something simple like when /u/Moses76ers parted the reddit sea”.   He added that while the construction of the boat itself would be difficult, the real issues would come while recovering from the extinction level event.

“So far the only things on the boat will be my wife, you (NCC) and Sean Moody’s cat memes.” Curtis maintains that he’ll need a whole lot more than that to begin a new society, so he has decided to invite some others along.  “Dude, after the flood lowers we’re going to have to repopulate all these websites, so first things first, I gotta get Mavis Beacon on there to teach the surviving population typing.  So her… and Steve Zahn.  Because he’s from here and he’s super awesome”.

The Fark Encounter will set sail soon after next weeks flood begins.  Curtis is hoping others will join him on the encounter, tickets will go on sale tomorrow at 9am at the Centerpointe box office, and sales will continue up until the extinction level event.  At press time Curtis hadn’t settled on an exact price for the tickets, but he was sure they would be “less expensive than the ones for Northern Kentucky’s Ark Encounter.”

In recent months, bicycle safety has been a hot topic in the city of Lexington with more and more annoying cyclists getting struck by motorists along the busier roads. In fact, hitting a cyclist or two along the way has become a right of passage in Fayette County, even after the hippies forced the city to install bike lanes. In light of this, former vice mayor Jim Gray has announced that tight ropes be installed above Nicholasville Road, from Fayette Mall to the side of the 5/3 building downtown, where cyclists would then be able to do a sweet endo or wheelie from a couple stories up to reach ground level safely.

“In test trials, cyclists that stayed on the tightrope were noticeably safer than those at street level,” said Gray, “The ones that fell off of the ropes were usually a little knicked up by traffic below, reinforcing just how dangerous that doggone traffic is.” In an effort to reduce falls, the former vice mayor has enlisted the help of a Russian immigrant circus family to teach tightrope classes to cyclists.

NCC approached the governor, asking if any funding for the project was coming from the state level. “I won’t approve funding for a project that has immigrant circus families come in and take Kentucky jobs, they should just install some of those blue mats that used to be under elementary school kids’ climbing ropes. You know I’m a big fan of safety mats – that’s why they call me Safety Mats Bevin! Or I dunno… wear a helmet, genius!” said Safety Mats Bevin, while pointing at his phone before snapping a ‘sick burn’ selfie.

Funding approved, the construction of the tightrope would be scheduled to start when the city finds a way to drive away pests that might commonly be found on lines impeding cyclists’ paths – pests like birds, squirrels, and Time Warner cable employees. There is a press conference scheduled for later this week outside of Lexington’s Pedal Power Bike Shop where it is expected Bevin and the former vice mayor will announce their plans. “With the boost of sales to local bike shops and the ease of use of these tightropes, we think it will be a Schwinn-Schwinn situation,” quipped the owner of Pedal Power while smirking at his own pun.  Nobody else laughed.