Last night, the Fayette County Coast Guard was seen searching for a man wearing Bermuda shorts who went missing off the curb of Triangle Park after trying to swim up the steps of the fountain.
Triangle Park has been no stranger to missing person reports over the last 5 years, so the coast guard arrived quickly to the scene to aid in the search. Shortly after their arrival, the coast guard completed a preliminary search of the park’s 360-foot cascading, tiered fountain, and then immediately called in for air support.
Officer Don and his super-rad helicopter were happy to accompany the standard water based search and rescue team. Officer Don’s helicopter mastery was on display above, as he deftly maneuvered his 0.69 ton Robinson R-22 Beta helicopter overhead, making sure his flight path never breached the park’s boundaries. This time it wasn’t to just show off, but rather to ensure that he himself didn’t succumb to the same fate of the man in Bermuda shorts.
Triangle Park, also referred to by locals as Devil’s Triangle, is notorious for its strange happenings. Starting in February of 2012 Triangle Park official Geraldo Litera started to take notice of what can only be described as several “peculiar goings on” in the area. Litera admitted that as long as Triangle Park rangers can remember, bicycles parked in the area would be reported missing by their owners. Litera explained, “Look man, I’m telling you, no bike accidents were reported. People would park their bike you know, and then poof it just vanished.”
Unfortunately, according to Litera, the bikes were just the beginning. “I didn’t start to notice any of the other missing connections until way later, but starting as far back as 2012 there was another pattern of even bigger things going missing. No one seems to even notice that every November, we get some new hot shot down here that thinks it can’t happen to them. They come in and claim they’ve made all the necessary precautions, but without fail, sometime between January and March, that ice rink they set up, goes missing.”
Witnesses were worried about the man in the Bermuda shorts, but many more were worried about their own future visits to the park. One witness, Dudley Wright, some weirdo we met in the park, explained, “My daughter Amelia threw a paper plane over the park and it just disappeared, we still don’t know where it is. Look, it could be anywhere. It could have gone into another dimension, or those people that collect all the cans downtown could’ve gotten it…their symbol is a triangle you know… yeah, it was probably the Aluminati.”
Paper Planes M.I.A.? The Fayette County Coast Guard has heard it before. Coast Guard Captain Frank Crunch told us, “Look whether or not that man actually had a daughter doesn’t matter. We’re taking all missing reports seriously.”
As of press time, concerns over the missing person have escalated, and that has locals calling for new search practices. Officer Don plans to launch an equilateral task force to investigate the disappearances, and he hopes the man in Bermuda shorts is just an isoscolated incident.