Over the weekend Lexmark unveiled their newest invention MAGAX2100, an alternative fax machine that wields such incredible power, the company hopes it will grab consumers right in the wallet.

Senior engineer Bill Kahn is calling this the company’s largest product launch ever, and Lexmark spokesperson Barbara Kelly was happy to confirm, that the companies newest invention is going to change the world, and be the greatest product the company has ever seen.

While everyone in the Lexmark camp are excited about what lies ahead for their new product launch, the company is hearing it’s fair share of complaints mainly from their recently defeated rival Xerox, who are calling the product “nothing special,” and “basically just a scanner.”

Kelly and Kahn weighed in on their companies newest scanner, in an effort to set the record straight, “This product has completely eliminated paper jams, so you’ll never need to fax check anything anymore.”

Kelly concluded by calling their detractors, “a bunch of sore losers,” adding “these anti-faxers are just some sick, melting snowflakes, badly in need of some cold hard truth, and a healthy dose of get-over-it medicine.”

Lexmark wants to make one thing clear, that this particular product functions differently from other fax machines.  Kahn explains, “I took two photos, one at 11:30 eight years ago and one today at 11:04 and we sent them both side by side at the same time, with one fax machine there were apparent differences, with our new alternative fax machine you could see no difference in the photos.”

Kelly added, “calling this alternative fax machine merely a scanner, is like having a high collar on a sweatshirt, it’s a falsehood.”

Papers filed early Friday morning indicate that, after years of separation, Mad Mushroom and Mellow Mushroom have officially filed for divorce. The couple cited irreconcilable differences in their paperwork and presiding judge Joe Bologna declared “frankly, I’m surprised you all made it this long. You’re just so different.”

“It was just a classic ‘opposites attract’ situation I thought,” Mad Mushroom said. “We noticed pretty early on we had some differences. Admittedly, sometimes I can be quick to anger. But it’s like they just didn’t care about ANYTHING (pounds table with fist)! We had been growing apart for a while, and when that young Blaze Pizza came into town it really exacerbated a lot of our problems (Knocks a glass onto the floor, shattering it)!”

“His passion was what I liked at first brah” Mellow Mushroom said in a statement, that took a lot longer than expected. “But the longer we stayed together, like, the more concerned I got. Dude was pissed all the time. Real buzzkill with his negative vibes man. It became obvious that for years we’d only stayed together for the college kids. I’m still a little concerned in a month we’re gonna find Mad Mushroom in some terrible low rent apartment.”

A downtrodden and increasingly frustrated Mad Mushroom concluded by telling us that “I’m always the one, going out to see the kids, you know? But Mellow has it easy, cuz the kids go over there to visit all the time. That’s tough man, it just makes me so MAD MUSHROOM.”

Meteorologist Bill Meck incited fear amongst citizens, ire from conservatives and a feeling of inevitability amid liberals this morning when he release his weekend forecast that included a Nostradomas-esque foretelling of the end times on Friday. Meck also unnecessarily included a rather apathetic forecast for Saturday for any potential survivors. With the President-Elect Donald Trump all set to lose a name from that title tomorrow, Meck and other prognosticators are fearful of what lies ahead, and not just of standard weather patterns.

“People are debating whether or not this President believes in climate change,” Meck began, “first of all, OF COURSE there is climate change. Just yesterday the high was 64 degrees, and today it’s 57. I’ve built a pretty nice life for myself and family talking about how the climate will change every day. I really don’t understand the debate, but regardless, his opinion won’t matter after tomorrow, as there won’t be a climate.”

Meck began to smile as he silently stared deep into the middle distance before he continued, “In a perfect world, we’d get rid of this darn rain, grab a little sunshine, and pull our loved ones close to us and tell them how much we love them, and how they make everything in our lives worthwhile,” the loveable and trusted meteorologist paused a moment, “BUT NOOO. NUCLEAR WINTER IS UPON US NOW! EAT THE LAST DONUT PEOPLE, THERE WILL BE NO REPERCUSSIONS.” He continued yelling about the end of days as he walked away slowly from the LEX18 studio into a 40% chance of drizzling rain.

Despite only being a little over eight years old, a judge has ruled that CentrePointe is old enough to be charged as an adult in the ongoing murder trial in which downtown Lexington is the victim.

“It’s rare, but it’s not completely unusual to see someone so young tried as an adult, especially if the crime in question is especially despicable and heinous,” a legal expert told us. “This wasn’t just a regular murder, this was a methodical, execution-style slaying of downtown Lexington.”

It didn’t take long for the investigation to lead authorities to CentrePointe.

“When you find an entire downtown block without a pulse and disfigured beyond recognition, it doesn’t take long to figure out the culprit is probably the giant pit just hanging around suspiciously,” investigators told us.

CentrePointe will likely receive a court-appointed lawyer, as even the most evil defense attorneys are unable to defend what the stalled development project is accused of doing.

The trial is expected to begin and be completed in time for the 2010 World Equestrian Games.

Have you ever wanted a craft beer that gave you an instant mustache and the courage to chase down recently fired basketball coaches while also making you seem goofy and totally non-threatening? Well thanks to Country Boy Brewing’s new partnership with Alan Cutler, that beer has finally arrived.

Jaguar Bait should be on tap soon at a bar near you. The beer is a Belgian-style flanders, just like Cutler himself.

Cutler felt it was the right time to seek a partnership with an adult beverage company after his WKYT counterpart Rob Bromley announced a sponsorship deal with Old Grand Dad bourbon.

“I’ve been home brewing my own vinegar for years, but I figured it was finally time to take my talents to the world of craft beer,” Cutler told us. “My background is mostly in rice wine, but my basement is full of ferments.”

According to a press release that was just a sentence Cutler scribbled on a napkin and handed us, the beer itself has good amount of habanero peppers up front yet hits the nose with a hint of vanilla and a truckload of lavender.

Micah Harris is without his computer this morning. Harris, after seeing some tweets about President-Elect Trump, decided to do what he’s done since seventh grade to expand his vocabulary, underline words he doesn’t know and look them up. However, when he entered the term ‘golden shower’ and clicked on the subsequent link WKYT’s IT security proxy blocked Harris’ attempts to access the page and revoked his access to the company’s wireless network.

“I just thought it was some sort of new storm front I hadn’t heard about before,” Harris said. “Winter storms are a goldmine for us here, and I was thinking this type of rain might funnel us into a brand new revenue stream, or heck this just might be where yellow snow comes from?  From now on when I want to impress Barbara Bailey with my big city words, I’ll just use Urban Dictionary.”

“I don’t know what that term means. Is that like a Tuscaloosa tea party?” Rob Bromley asked our uncomfortable reporter. “Back in my day we just called that second base.”

All the big news stations and ABC 36 are predicting Lexington’s first major winter weather of the new year, and most experts are calling for 1-3 inches of road salt to cover the city before Friday.

“Yeah, based on what Bill Meck and Chris Bailey have been saying the past couple of days, I’d expect anywhere from 1-3 inches of salt, with a small chance to see even more than that if the truck drivers get bored,” said local storm team Yelp reviewer and Lexington resident Anthony Cipriani.

Experts are basing their predictions of 1-3 inches of road salt on several signs they look for leading up to winter weather in Kentucky, such as Kroger’s $199.99 sale on plastic snow shovels and a desolate wasteland of empty shelves where milk and bread used to be.

“As soon as you see that there’s no milk and the bread shelves are down to just English muffins and hot dog buns, you know you’re gonna be in for a lot of road salt,” said Clark County resident Georgia Rodgers. “But it really is the perfect weather to stay inside and eat some milkbread soup. Just cozy up to a fire with a big bowl of soup and watch those salt trucks roll in.”

Mrs. Rodgers also provided her own recipe for milkbread soup.

“It’s actually really easy and fun to make. You bring a pot of milk to a simmer, crumble up the bread and throw it in as a thickening agent, and then add a pinch of the road salt to taste.”