Governor Matt Bevin promised to soon release formerly top secret files on the Goatman, a half-man, half-goat creature reputed to haunt the Pope Lick Creek bridge in Louisville.
Twenty-five years ago the Kentucky State Police sealed their investigation into the cryptid. Bevin accidentally stumbled upon the files while investigating whether the KSP was investigating him.
“Time to let the people and cryptozoologists of Kentucky draw their own conclusions,” Bevin said, in a series of increasingly misspelled tweets. Bevin then added the caveat, “As long as that conclusion does not involve me or anything I’ve done as governor or private brilliant business man.”
Bevin takes credit for releasing the classified information but critics have been quick to point out that the files were scheduled to be released soon by law.
Allegations have circled for years that the Goatman is not the only half-man half-animal who haunts the bridge. “He wasn’t a lone demon,” said conspiracy theorist and local news personality Lee Cruse. Cruse, whose garage is covered in photos pinned to corkboard of different combinations of possible Goat Men, elaborated, “We have 6 missing train linemen. A sheriff’s daughter. And a whole congregation of house pets. And people still wanna tell me I’m wasting my time.” Cruse then continued to talk about the creature at length as he tinkered with his model train set.
“I’ve been saying the government has known about a second demon on that bridge for years,” Cruse said. “The video shows there was someone else involved, and that someone looks a whole lot like Ted Cruz’s dad.”
Texas Senator and former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz denies he is the son of a centaur.
“If that Goatman hadn’t started haunting that bridge we would’ve never went to Vietnam!” roused Cruse. Cruse then went on to claim his now defunct radio show was taken off the air because he was “digging too close to the truth.”
“There are… stranger things… at work here,” Cruse said before looking into a camera and winking. But no camera was actually present. “Ask Jeff Ruby.”
Steakhouse magnate Jeff Ruby claims to have assassinated the Goatman in the 80’s but says he failed to drag the corpse back with him. “I would have liked to have mounted it on the steakhouse wall.”
Bevin believes the Goatman is still alive. The Governor is excited to get to the truth because he says the Goatman is what inspired him to go into politics. “Seeing what a half-goat, half-man creature that lived in a swamp eating injured deer and baby possums could accomplish inspired the rest of us.”