A man in a shark-skin suit stands in the corner with a drink in his hand. He holds a skee ball up to a woman in a red sequin dress. She blows on it for good luck just before he chucks the ball up the ramp landing into the “100” point hole. Flash bulbs spark over the winners lane. “You’re my good luck charm tonight baby doll.”

Gatti-Town!

Opened in 1973 GattiTown was originally under riverboat gambling laws since they were off shore of Red Lobster. The original owner Frank “Frankie” Gattiano had gained all the reputation of a Made-Man in his lifetime. He was rumored to have left many enemies in pizza-dough shoes. Sleeping with the anchovies.

GattiTown was his magnum opus to the lifestyle that created him as well as the women that fueled him. But once corporations like K-Mart and Babies R Us moved in everything became cleaner and Gattiano, by then known as “Mr. Gatti”, had to change his act. He wouldn’t live to see those changes through. No one was ever prosecuted for the bumper car-bomb that killed Gattiano.

Now that the corporations are folding and west coast syndicates like Malibu Jacks are moving in GattiTown is returning to it’s roots.

The Gatti-Town speakers, used to playing mostly kid’s pop music, now play wall to wall Rolling Stones. “Gimme Shelter” plays at least 5 times an hour.

You’ll see lines of old men wearing green visors eager to spend their savings on “Deal or No Deal” or for a pair of long legs waiting by the token machines. Keeneland handicappers keep sharp in the winter with the Horse racing simulator.

We see a man get tasered by the pit-boss for bringing in weighted skee-balls. As they are carrying him out the boss hands out some tickets to concerned customers. “Don’t worry folks. Too many cheesesticks.”

Like Gattiano used to say, “The Buffet Always Wins.”

Toys for Tots has decided to turn down a donation of Christmas stockings from Friends of Coal. Tots spokesman Chris Harney said the decision wasn’t an easy one. “It’s not political,” Harney explained. “We would gladly accept these if they didn’t actually put coal in them. I feel like that sends a mixed message.”

Not everyone at Toys for Tots agreed with the decision to turn down the donation. Tots assistant district manager Sheila O’Brien wrote in a memo that someone later leaked on Winchester topix, “At least this is better than the potato lobby. They gave us ketchup. Like, these are Toys for Tots, not Toys for Tater Tots.”

Friends of Coal spokesman Bob Sayles said that the organization has to reach out to the youth in order to combat the War on Coal. “They can’t legally work in the mines anymore,” Sayles said, referring to seven to nine year olds, “but they can pretend they do with our Strip Mine Starter Pack Playset. Shovel not included.”

The playset, which costs way too much in union dues and nonrenewable resources to be given as a donation, has a button that plays “Baby, It’s Coal Outside” when you push it.

Friends of Coal volunteers picked up the unwanted donations from Toys for Tots at a time when there were children present. One girl asked them why they were taking back their gifts. “Thank Obama,” one volunteer in a Dale Earnhardt hat replied.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was asked about the refusal of the donation at a press conference Wednesday. “Good little girls and boys get coal in their stocking,” said McConnell, “and they’d get a whole lot more if Santa weren’t such a snowflake.”

Every year, the weekend before finals, the gray and stale air of winter is broken by the glow of just one couch. This couch stands as a beacon for the city, one of hope, for students and city residents alike. A joyous celebration for the end of another tough semester, and perhaps the last chance of the year for the confident capricious youth to still imagine that one day their undergraduate degree will mean something.

The Christmas Couch lighting ceremony will take place somewhere on State Street this Saturday night at approximately 6:57 pm, or really just whenever Trey can get the keys to Pete’s truck.

City officials expect that students will take this Christmas couch lighting ceremony to heart since many don’t expect to have a couch lighting ceremony this spring. So they encourage everyone to join the celebration this year as college age kids eyes filled with wonder as a couch lights up for the first time.

This year’s carefully selected couch is a beautiful Salvation Army find. We’re told it has a history in the area, as it once served as a “smoking couch” on the patio of a home near the corner of State and Elizabeth.

Event planners warn potential event participants that it might be cold out so be sure to bring a cup of hot apple cider or a cold can of Natural Light to help stay warm.

While the event is free to the public, State Street residents encourage visitors to bring any sort of can donations, even Coors Light.

Breaking news has emerged from Lexington today as Bobby Mueller, the Special Counsel appointed by Former Vice Mayor Jim Gray, has subpoenaed information in his investigation into forecast tampering by the bread and milk lobby.

The investigation released a load of emails which included a number of damning exchanges between Lexington’s top two meteorologists, Bill Mack and Chris Bailey, and powerful milk and bread executives. A number of the emails seem to detail a plan for collusion. “Make it snow,” wrote an unnamed Heiner’s executive, “and we’ll make it rain.”

Another exchange seems to suggest negotiations were taking place even before the winter season. Kroger’s regional director of dairy products Wendell Derry, commonly known as the Milk Czar, emailed both meteorologists to offer comped tickets to a Lexington Legends game. Bailey wrote back, “Got anything better? This is only worth a light dusting.”

Mueller also interviewed and offered plea bargains to a number of less senior meteorologists in an effort to get information on his top two targets. “Many of my forecasts are based on running data through a European model,” explained LEX18 meteorologist Jill Szwed during her interrogation before questions turned to whether/weather or not the model was from Eastern Europe. “Don’t tell me you’ve asked Russians for intelligence on our weather,” barked a frustrated Mueller.

Investigators were first informed of the alleged misconduct by an anonymous tip. “Meck and Bailey are in cahoots with certain special interests,” said the poorly disguised voice. “And it’s not Adidas.”

The poorly disguised voice was easily identified as ABC36’s Jason Myers doing an Al Pacino impression.

The University of Kentucky’s Chandler Hospital, recently voted hospital most likely to give a sarcastic diagnosis, is set to begin construction on a brand new Monica Wing. The construction is expected to last for seven good seasons and three bad ones.

The hospital has a long tradition of honoring donors by naming different areas or facilities after them, after all the hospital itself is named after ‘Happy Chandler’ since ‘Season Five Chandler Hospital’ was considered too long.

Dr. Sentral P. Gunther, who claims that he has discovered the cure for cancer but no one will listen to him, said, “Chandler has been single for far too long. People are starting to ask questions.”

Other additions are in the pipeline. There are tentative plans for a Ross orthopedic addition, a Rachel plastic surgery division, and a Phoebe’s Children’s Center which will reportedly smell like cats.

Not everyone is excited about the expansion. Dr. Drake Ramoray is worried that the new Monica Wing could negatively affect the Chandler Hospital’s other relationships. We interviewed him on a couch exclusively reserved for attractive twentysomethings in the Central Baptist Perk coffee shop.

“The hospital slogan is ‘We’ll Be There For You” but how long long before Chandler moves in with Monica and Joey becomes just another parking garage?” Ramoray asked.

Dr. Ramoray was interrupted by a patient who complained of chest pain. “Doctor, you’ve got to help me!” she said.

The doctor put his stethoscope on the patient’s chest. “Just what I thought.”

“What is it?”

“My lunch break.”

Hospital director N. Beecee believes that the addition will be good for ratings. “We’re the highest rated hospital in the state. Of course, we owe a lot to previous research done by Dr. Gerald Seinfeld, for it was by his lead in that we were able to find success. But I think the Monica Wing will push us over the edge into syndication.”

Southland Christian has announced another expansion that will extend their facilities out of Lexington. But they’ve also been making room for another exciting addition, SHAMU!

The Church has been in negotiations to purchase the license for the Seaworld Orca Whale show for over a year. Pastor Derrick Purvis stands on the edge of a 20 foot platform holding a loaf of bread. He speaks into his headset, “This is my body given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” On cue a 3,000 lb orca whale bursts from the water below him. The two toned aquatic mammal accepts the Eucharist in its mouth before falling back into its tank, splashing the nearest churchgoers wearing plastic ponchos in the bleachers. “Amen.”

“The splash-zone is reserved for our biggest tithers as well as some spots for newcomers,” says Purvis. “It’ll be open for baptisms as well as birthday parties. Anyone coming to see a loved one give their life to Christ should dress like they would for a Gallagher show.”

The multimillion dollar investment includes a 2,000,000 gallon show pool inside a 5,000 seat amphitheater with retractable roof. It’s also required the hiring of an additional staff of aquatic trainers.

“A big part of ministry is listening to the needs of your community,” says Purvis. Like the rest of the staff he’s dressed in a wet suit logoed with an Ichthus symbol. Behind him the show’s lead trainer practices standing on the Orca as it glides through the water. “Lexington was completely devoid of any aquatic based gymnastic performance show.”

The church plans on dramatic reenactments of Jonah and the Whale but are currently ramping up rehearsals for their Christmas show.

The Christmas show will include the Church’s prized soprano Angela Lambert. Lambert will be singing “Mary Did You Know” on top of a faux ice float while Kotaku, the star orca of the show, guides her to the shore. It will also feature a handbell performance of “Carol of the Bells” by a quartet of trained seals.