UberEATS Begins Delivering Food To The Highest People In Lexington Today

By: Harold Leeder

October 12, 2017

Today Lexington welcomes the launch of UberEATS, the app that turns every restaurant into Jimmy Johns. No, wait, they don’t add mayonnaise to everything, or help you hunt and kill endangered species, it’s really just reminiscent of the other thing Jimmy Johns is apparently known for, delivering food quickly.

If you’ve ever been drunk in a much larger city, you may be familiar with the ridesharing app Uber, you can think of it as a less socially conscious Lyft. Well, they have decided now that instead of using a complex technology platform used only to deliver high and drunk people around town, they’ll use the same technology to safely bring food to those high people.

“I love our new system. I mean, the food doesn’t yell at you to pull into Taco Bell, only to then dump sour cream and Baja Blast all over you backseat. The food waits til you get home to be eaten,” said UberEATS driver Jeff Gordon Ramsey.

Ramsey continued, “Look we’ve all been so super high, that we’re too paranoid to actually call someone to order food, because they’ll ‘know’. So that’s where we at UberEATS come in. You can just pause a game of candy crush and order whatever you want by clicking a series of pictures and I’ll bring it to you, and you can eat it in the safety of your home, and no one will know how high you are.”

“Oh man I’ve always wanted to eat Detroit Coney Island in the privacy of my bathtub, and now that dream has become a reality,” explained first time UberEATS customer Willow Jackson.

Hopefully the app will help the city’s ongoing traffic issues, by taking some of our highest drivers off the road, specifically in times of their greatest hunger. However, not everyone views the introduction of the new business as an improvement to the well-being of Kentucky’s citizens. Governor Matt Bevin explained in a recent Facebook live event that he is worried that UberEATS delivering food to customers who are too high to drive, will only exacerbate the problem of “people overdosing on marijuana.”