Leprechauns And Feds Finally Agree Rainbow Crosswalk Too Dangerous

By: Harold Leeder

November 17, 2017

In a city where none of the pedestrians pay attention to crosswalks or traffic signals when crossing the street, one particular crosswalk continues to be controversial. Federal Highway Administrator Warwick Davis sent a letter to the Lexington city council stating that the rainbow crosswalk at North Limestone and Short Street is a safety hazard.

Davis and other officials at the Federal Highway Administration believe that the crosswalk is dangerous, and not just for pedestrians, but self driving cars and leprauchans as well.

Administrator Davis explained, “Ready or not autonomous cars are here, and we have to worry about what messages we’re sending them with our roadways.  Faded white lines tell the cars to watch out for pedestrians.  Everyone knows that when artificial intelligence sees a rainbow crosswalk, it then searches for a nitro boost zone, thereby creating confusion and allowing Princess Peach to slide into first place.”

Self-driving cars and pedestrians are not the only issue, the administration says the crosswalk is far more dangerous for leprechauns. “You’re just forcing all of Lexington’s leprechaun population to hide their pot of gold at Thursday Night Live,” he added, “where’s the fun in that?”

Defenders of the crosswalk note that there other rainbow crosswalks in other cities, but Davis’ morning commute doesn’t take him past any of them. “I can only strongly advise against what I see,” Davis said.

If the city does change the crosswalk back to a regular boring crosswalk, residents are hopeful that perhaps this will alleviate crosswalk congestion throughout the city and that this might begin a good faith relationship with the Federal Highway Administration, allowing them to start weighing in on other problems with our city streets.  Eventually even maybe helping us fix a lot of our other issues.  However, unfortunately they just care about the crosswalk. Seriously.

Former Vice Mayor Jim Gray says he’s going to stand by the rainbow crosswalk for now, “I have some hand warmers and a big thermos of hot chocolate. I’m not leaving until my ears get really cold.”