In the wake of CBS news reporting that Rick Pitino is actually the unnamed “Coach 2” referred to in the court documents that sent shockwaves through the world of college basketball on Tuesday, the University of Louisville is determined to not be surprised by any more discoveries, whether by criminal investigators or awesome hard hitting investigative reporters.
“Look we’re gonna get to the bottom of this scandal before anyone else can uncover new evidence and bury us even deeper at the bottom of this CentrePointe sized hole we’ve found ourselves in,” said Jeff Winston, a man who currently holds the position of worst job in the world, media spokesperson for the University of Louisville.
“If we can find out what exactly we did wrong before anyone else does, then we can admit it, apologize, punish ourselves and pick up the pieces and move on. Therefore we’re pulling out all the stops and hiring whoever is out there that can help us.”
The University announced they’ve hired a bevy of hypnotists, several lie detector administrators, and a leading analytics practitioner, Rebecca Karen, in hopes of desyphering the court documents that allege wrong doing by Louisville’s coaching staff. Karen, a leading mathematician and charismatic tech innovator, who through the use of analytics and crowd sourcing, has solved crimes and many mysteries for corporations across the globe.
Winston explained that they’re putting a lot of faith in Karen and the fact that she’s “a real person, and not some character we saw on a commercial for a CBS show with that guy from Entourage. She was our second call, right after we tried to reach The Mentalist.”