This weekend is Kentucky’s annual Fancy Farm Picnic, a place where politicians from across the state gather to pander to crowds and pretend like they haven’t spent the last twelve months voting against the interests of all of the people in attendance. However, not all politicians are excited about the event. Agriculture Commissioner Ryan Quarles, the ruler of farms in Kentucky, has finished his inspection of the venue and, sadly, has downgraded this year’s Fancy Farm to simply an Ornate Farm.
“Look, fancy is a pretty high standard. I don’t want to get into specifics but this isn’t even in the top five fanciest farms I’ve been to this year,” Quarles said. “Are the metal folding chairs nice? Sure. Are the decorative gourds and the guys with mutton chops eating chops of mutton cool? Heck yeah man, but are they fancy, well, no. I mean, you can’t call a place fancy and then serve a bean dinner.”
When asked what it would take for the farm to regain their status as ‘fancy’ Quarles said “There has to be an effort towards, not just decoration, but elegant, fanciness. Put out the nice boxed wine, use the good bingo dobbers. It doesn’t have to be the Palace of Versailles but you have to be nicer than the Palace of Winchester.”