The Summit’s 10,000th Customer To Be Named City’s Next Mayor

By: Harold Leeder

January 25, 2018

With recent mayoral candidate announcements registering an all-time low on the boredom scale, The Summit at Fritz Farm has decided to make an exciting revelation concerning the future of our city. Reginald Calloway, The Summit at Fritz Farm’s PR director and lead valet, announced on a pile of discarded artisan popsicle sticks that their lucky 10,000th customer will be sworn in as Mayor of Lexington. Calloway added, “Which for them will likely add another accomplishment to what we would assume has already been a lifetime full of good fortune.”

Calloway continued, as he shook a popsicle stick loose from the bottom of his $400 urban bootwear, “Whether our well-to-do client base are here to buy clothing for adventures on or near a boat, or just to grab a snack at one of restaurants we like to describe as ‘a more expensive Applebee’s’, they’ve probably served this community on some sort of budget committee before. If not, I’m certain they’d at least be familiar with enough political buzzwords that they can serve the office capably. Until, we, as a city, can find a former celebrity to fill the role in a more permanent fashion.”

Future former Vice Mayor Steve Kay has been spotted at Shake Shack once a day for the last month, but when asked if he wasn’t trying too hard to become the 10,000th customer, he said he wasn’t even aware that was the only way to get to be mayor. “I like milkshakes,” Kay said, “this one has chocolate.”

While most of the city was hopeful that Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes would take over the office of Mayor, she’s declined to run in order to make sure The Summit’s plan for the future of the city passes through all the legal loopholes an election is set up to confuse normal people with. “We’re not sure what Bonobos’ sells, but hopefully the 10,000th customer won’t come from there,” said Grimes. “The last thing the Commonwealth needs is another elected official with a penchant for overly sexualized chimpanzees.”