Mitch McConnell Vows To ‘Repeal And Replace’ His Reptilian Skin

By: Harold Leeder

January 9, 2017

Citing the classic “New year, new me” motto, Kentucky’s original Turtle Man is looking to repeal and replace his reptilian skin as quickly as possible in the coming weeks.

Senator Mitch McConnell, the cold-blooded vertebrate who’s somehow the most powerful man in the Senate, announced plans this week to fast track legislation that will allow him to replace his dry, scaly skin in favor of a fresh new look. McConnell refused to confirm rumors that he is indeed a reptile while President Obama was in office, but he is expected to confirm them once Donald Trump takes office later this month.

The move doesn’t come without controversy. Millions of Americans currently rely on McConnell’s reptilian skin, which is why McConnell’s Kentucky colleague, junior senator Rand Paul, doesn’t want to repeal it without an immediate replacement.

There are worries on McConnell’s end as well. He’s concerned that a new skin might not cover everything, since being reptilian is a pre-existing condition.

President-Elect Trump has also vowed to repeal and replace his own reptilian skin, but that could prove difficult, because, as Twitter has shown, he already has extremely thin skin.