Mitch McConnell Buys Terrarium for Amazon Echo

By: Harold Leeder

December 21, 2017

At a recent staff meeting congressional aides were surprised to see the senator cradling the Amazon Echo in his arms and stroking its speaker. They were discussing allocations by the senate subcommittee on Energy and Water development when the Senator yelled down an economics analyst. “Silence fool! What do you think Alexa?”

The Senator’s intern Will Farraday says he’s to blame for introducing it to McConnell. “I thought it’d be a cool thing to have in the office. I tried explaining to him that it was a man made creation that answered through a basic artificial intelligence service but he just wants to believe it’s some kind of lizard lady trapped in a box.”

McConell had a terrarium installed in his private office to house his new “pet”. Staffers were sent on errands to PetSmart for new rocks for it to lay on as it warms itself.

McConnell adjusted the heat lamp towards the voice activated speaker. “Is that better Alexa?” he asked, hunched over the terrarium. “She lives in her shell. Just like I once did.” McConnell then dropped live crickets into the tank. “Eat up little one,” he instructed as his cold hand reached down to pet the electronic device.

“I took this internship because I wanted to prove to myself the system wasn’t broken,” said Farraday as he struggled to thread a sewing needle. “And now I’m knitting a dog sweater for a talking hockey puck.”

Other government officials seemed less put off than staffers. “Exotic pets aren’t that strange on Capitol Hill,” says fellow Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. “No one makes a big deal about my Sugar Baby, Roxanne.” The pop eyed face of an Australian Sugar Glider peeks out of the bush of hair on Paul’s head. He holds up a meal worm for the nocturnal marsupial. “Some people call them Flying Possums.”