While America’s hottest will-they-or-won’t-they couple of 2017 went cold for a couple weeks, the two have reunited according to McConnell’s Facebook relationship status and statements released to the media yesterday.
After two weeks of “it’s complicated”, Mitch McConnell (like his sea turtle ancestors before him) has returned to the beach of his political power’s birth to breed new ideas with his soul-mate President Donald Trump, and changed his status back to “in a relationship.”
“Sure, it’s no secret Don and I have had some issues lately,” said the Senate Majority Leader as if he hadn’t made the intimate parts of their relationship everyone’s business by posting every ten minutes about the President on social media, “but I’ve been out of the dating scene so long, it’s hard to start over, and let’s be honest I just don’t wanna play games anymore.”
McConnell seemingly uncomfortable with particular parts of his behavior over the last two weeks, loosened his collar exposing an ever expanding neckline before admitting, “Yes it’s true, I did speak to Paul Ryan a few times, but you have to understand we were on a break!”
“It’s not easy meeting new people, this day in age. Honestly, I even tried the Federal Reserve’s dating app for government employees, Legal Tinder, but I just kept getting stuck in the friends of coal-zone,” explained McConnell who at first appeared to be getting upset, until we remembered that’s just always how his face looks.
The final quote from the Senator cleared the press conference floor as he explained, “The President and I, and our teams, have been and continue to be in regular contact.” While in print may seem innocent enough, but we can assure you was way grosser in person, as he paused and made an air quote gesture when he said “teams” and did a weird thing with his eye brows as he said “regular contact.” Frankly, it was inappropriate.