Derby Hopeful Girvin Concerned His Boring Backstory Will Hurt Screen Time

By: Harold Leeder

May 3, 2017

Many of the 24 horses vying for the crown of Kentucky Derby champion come from thrilling backgrounds all looking to fulfill an impossible dream. Hard luck found the likes of Gunnevera as his trainer was kidnapped twice in Venezuela, Patch lost an eye in a saloon just south of Bloody Breathitt County, and Looking at Lee has been forced to look at a picture of Lee Cruse his whole life.

However, one horse in particular has become nervous about their own life story, as the start of the run for the roses is closing in. Girvin, a horse from a particularly boring background, begins his Derby preparation this morning with a bucket of oats and a swift jog around the track. “I like to keep it simple, and keep my training the same, no surprises. Oatmeal works and it helps with an unsettled stomach, the…” Girvin explained for what felt like an hour.

“Look, maybe I don’t have the exciting background as some of these guys, but I’ve worked just as hard to get here, and it’s my dream just as much as theirs,” the horse no one, other than its own mother and NBA legend George Gervin, will be rooting for this Saturday.

“I’m sorry, I had pretty good grades in school and was active in the community donating my time to charities instead of off doing drugs or losing my eye in a gang fight,” soured the one derby horse without a real personality of his own. “Sure everyone here has their own unique story but frankly I’m sick of them. Like we all know Gormley was an extra in Lord of The Rings, and I swear to Elmer himself if I have to hear that story one more time, I’m gonna throw a shoe.”