City Celebrates The End Of All Traffic With Opening Of Newtown Pike Extension

By: Harold Leeder

September 21, 2017

The city of Lexington held a ribbon cutting ceremony this morning to unveil a new stretch of road that will allow drivers to stay on Newtown Pike for like a quarter of a mile longer. City spokespeople are saying that adding a little bit more to this small road is the key to ending all traffic throughout the city.

While having a ribbon cutting event for the opening of a road that isn’t even a mile long doesn’t make much sense, the excitement from hopeful citizens does. The Newtown Pike Extension Project began over ten years ago and promises to alleviate all congestion throughout the city, as well as teach drivers what left lanes are for.

Lexington traffic expert Don Bradman explained “You know how once hackers found a way to break into a small crack in Equifax’s security, then every single person with credit on the planet had their information come flooding out that small opening? That’s pretty much what Scott Street will be once everyone sees how awesome this new road is.”

“Look, everyone thinks the key to fixing traffic here is improving the stoplights on Nicholasville Road so you don’t hit every single one red no matter when you’re driving on it, but that’s not it man. This road is the key right here man,” a man that wouldn’t tell us his name but was wearing a suit and standing near the former vice-mayor told us. “Lexington is like Vin Diesel in those Fast And Furious movies, we live our lives a quarter-mile at a time, and this quarter mile addition, well this thing is gonna fix it all.”

While drivers are excited at the possibilities of carefree, traffic free driving throughout the city from here on out real estate developers are also salivating at the new, soon to be highly trafficked area. Early reports suggest that as many as four malls could be placed on the small stretch of road within the next year, but CentrePointe developers have other ideas. “I sure would like to get a plot of that land and see how big a hole I could dig.” Said one of them as he stared off into the distance with his arm resting upon a golden shovel. Then just as we started to walk away, he took a handkerchief from his breast pocket and dabbed his now moist eyes and said softly, “She sure would be some hole.”