Bevin’s Pension Reform Includes Putting All Our Spare Climate Change Into A Coinstar

By: Harold Leeder

October 4, 2017

Governor Matt Bevin isn’t quite ready to start finalizing his plan to overhaul the Commonwealth’s growing pension problem, but his impromptu facebook live broadcast discussing it yesterday, has many of us very worried.

Bevin waited for the livestream to have enough viewers before starting, which forced the governor to spend the few minutes just staring blankly into the camera and breathing loudly through his nose into his phone’s microphone before he began, “Since I’m already super unpopular, people up high want me to make some unpopular decisions, and just cut the promised pensions to all of our government workers. I’d like to avoid that if possible, because I was recently told by my staff that apparently these people can vote.”

Then the governor explained how he was really caught in a catch-22, and then talked about how the wildcats should really throw the ball to Siheim King more often before returning to his point. The governor said he had “promised the members of the financial elite (the recently, as well as the soon-to-be, retired high ranking politicians) that I won’t cut their huge take home pensions. Honestly, I literally can’t, if I did then they wouldn’t be financial elites, see how that works? So instead we’ll probably have to cut out these freeloading teachers.”

Bevin shifted the broadcast to a brainstorming session where he white boarded several different ideas. One involved declaring the pension crisis evil, thereby making it impossible to legislate.  Another thought to improve fundraising where he would write a law that would make playing the lottery mandatory for anyone that has a dollar on them.  However he spent the bulk of time with a different fundraising plan, “howsabout we take all this loose climate change I keep hearing about but have never seen myself, and put it all in one of those coinstar machines? If there’s half as much climate change as former President Al Gore says, then we should have quite a bit of it lying around in our couch cushions.”

In conclusion, the governor explained that he didn’t think anyone had a real grasp of how big the problem really was, or how much it would cost to fix, “A consultant firm that we paid a ridiculous amount of money to look at our pension program said most of the problems could be fixed with a 401k. I hate to break it to you, but 401,000 dollars isn’t gonna even put a dent in this bad boy.”