Kentucky Governor and honorary Mayor of Guntown Mountain, Matt Bevin, gathered a number of high ranking government officials and poorly paid reporters in a meeting room at the Capital Plaza Hotel yesterday morning where it was expected he would unveil his new pension plan.
Bevin, equipped with a mic that clipped to his ear and wrapped around his face, began the press conference/investment opportunity with a powerful message. “We all know the pension system is a mess, and we’ve all blamed a lot of it on the legislators of our past, but what if I told you the pension has been within you this whole time?” The governor then glanced off-stage for a moment, which cued a confetti drop synced with a musical explosion of keyboard rock as he yelled, “And you all had the power to release the pension within!”
The governor ran off stage attempting to high five press members sitting in the aisleways as he shouted, “Everyone got a pamphlet at the door, and I believe that anyone can succeed with this pension through the power of prayer, positive thinking, and our $9.99 audio book.” An assistant stood on stage holding up a copy, Your Best Pension NOW, on the cover. “If you fill out the information on the back page you will receive a book and CD-ROM set that will explain how you alone control the power of your pension.”
The now winded governor walked slowly back to the stage as the music faded out, and once he caught his breath spent the next two and a half hours detailing his plan.
“Retirement savings will be based on how much time you devote to sales,” began the governor as he lined up some products on the podium. “Dietary supplements, all natural energy drinks, rejuvenation cream, body wash. And trust me, these are all quality products I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t use them myself.” He squeezed a bead of the rejuvenation cream onto the back of his hand and rubbed it in.
“All state workers will purchase these products in bulk from the governor’s mansion,” he said and pointed to the top of a sectioned pyramid projected behind him with “Public SERVANTS” labelled on the base.
Towards the end Bevin urged a group from the Kentucky Retired Teachers Association to “fire-walk” across a platform of hot coals.
“I can teach you a lot more about what to expect when you retire but first I want you all to listen to Jeff who is going to tell you about a great investment opportunity in Gatlinburg Cabin Timeshares.”