Alison Lundergan Grimes Vies For Role As Coolest Secretary Of State In America

By: Harold Leeder

November 16, 2017

By next year the Commonwealth of Kentucky will get a whole lot better at hacky sack and a whole lot worse at harshing our mellow, if Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes has anything to say about it. Yesterday in a super rad statement she called for the legalization of medical marijuana in the Bluegrass State by 2018. She plans to form a task force that will study and propose potential implementation and regulation processes, but will also have to be “pretty chill.”

The Secretary of Altered States is well-aware of how her critics may perceive this, “I’m just trying to help the great people of Kentucky get access to some quality strains. We’re the bluegrass state, not the ‘this grass I so seedy I got the blues’ state.”

Others worry that Grimes might be a lap dog for the baggie lobby, and therefore may have ulterior motives when it comes to legalizing medical marijuana. However, she claims otherwise, “The only motive I have is that I want to help Kentuckians out there who are in pain and can’t legally get the relief they need. Too many Kentuckians are suffering from debilitating physical and mental illnesses,” said Grimes, “and the rest are suffering from really annoying drug dealers.”

Growing annoyed, she raised her voice as if she were talking to someone in the next room, “No one wants to hear your mix tape Randy, some of us may have cataracts, but we everyone can see how bad your music is.”

Convenient that during a non-election year Grimes our highest ranking election official, wants to spend some time “researching” marijuana. Some of Grimes’ GOP opponents are calling her task force “laughable,” Grimes questions how they could have the giggles already since the commonwealth hasn’t legalized the medication yet. So we reached out to many of the party’s members of Kentucky’s House of Representatives and the Senate, unfortunately they were unable to comment on Grimes call for a task force, as they are all currently being investigated for sexual misconduct.