14 Tips To Prepare For Lexington’s High Speed Internet

By: Harold Leeder

November 15, 2017

Jim Gray announced that Lexington is set to become the country’s first ‘giga-bit city’ where internet provider MetroNet’s high-speed, fiber optic internet service will be available to most of the city. The city is cautiously optimistic about the upgrade with many citizens hoping MetroNet internet is better than MetroPCS phones. As Lexington prepares for the change, here are 14 things you need to know to get you ready for the city-wide high-speed internet:

  1. The upgrade will make Netflix movies impossible to watch as they will speed by in fast-forward till the credits.
  2. It’s ok to plug an ethernet cable into the new fast internet and then touch it to your tongue to get a little jolt of superfast information but be careful, leaving it on too long will result in your brain turning into a comments section.
  3. Remember, just because the internet is faster does not mean your aunt’s political tirades are any more well-informed. You’ll just be able to load the pages of all caps text faster.
  4. If you message people in towns with slower internets it will be important to note in the subject line “Not From the Future.”
  5. Swiping left on someone’s Tinder profile will erase them from existence.
  6. Darryl Isaac commercials will still play in the lowest quality possible.
  7. Spectrum will try and rebrand their internet to sound faster in order to compete, but it in no way will be. Magnum Pi.4x Speed isn’t a thing, Spectrum.
  8. You better believe you’re gonna have an advantage when it comes to the speed at which you can crush some candy.
  9. You can find out about restaurants closing even before they do.
  10. Fiber optic internet is not just “Raisin Bran taped to Google Glasses,” no matter how many times Joe B. Hall tells you it is.
  11. The SuperComputer underneath Centerpointe will know your name!
  12. Remember, just because we have faster internet does not make us better than any other town. Like those cave people in Shelbyville.
  13. There is no escape.
  14. Kentucky.com will still operate at the speed of newspaper.